durtbagz: sheer brilliance

as i was scouring the news today for some nonsense to write about, sandy eggo state dropped in my lap.

for those asleep at the wheel, the po-po arrested something like 75 students for drug possession, sales, and other shizz that goes along with that. here’s a piece of the article:

“Authorities say among those arrested was a student who worked as an employee of the campus police and was one month away from graduating with a masters degree in Homeland Security. Another suspect found with 500 grams of cocaine and two guns is a criminal justice major.”

am i the only one who thinks this is hysterical? no? good. because it gets better.

“As part of the investigation, the Drug Enforcement Agency and San Diego State University police say they infiltrated seven fraternities on campus, finding that most or all of the members were aware of the drug dealing activity in their organizations.”

first off, our “campus police” were called “parking dicks” by everyone on campus. well, not everyone; just the students.

secondly, you can now get a master’s degree in homeland security? serious waste of money. anyone who’s ever witnessed that organization in action should know that hellen keller could run it with her eyes closed. oh…right.

thirdly, it’s extremely obvious that nary a one of the “authorities” in this raid has ever a) been in a frat, b) known anyone in a frat, c) ever sat next to anyone in a frat, d) ever driven by a frat house, e) ever heard the term “frat”. of course, they knew. and of course, they didn’t tell. what do you think paid for all of their khakis?

the article isn’t even the best part. after finding this story on a local news website, i started reading the comments in response to the story. GOLDMINE. here are some of the best ones.

us4 wrote, “How embarrassing, frickin kids are at a University doing this crap. If I were their parent they would be begging to stay in jail.”  probably. i know i’d rather face a judge than get my ares beat by my folks who work at 7/11.

phxnative08 chimes in with, “More crazy news i see. First they seized hundreds of guns at a gun store in Phx and now they have busted college kids with drugs!! What is going on in this country!?!?!?! Lets add to our overcrowding prisons with kids who were just having fun. It’s not like they are the bloods/crips in the 80’s killing people. At least they are in college getting an education.  Is it just me or have there been a lot of petty busts getting a lot of media attention?” um, while you make a valid statement on the college story, let’s go back to the gun bust for a minute. they busted that gun shop after an 11 month investigation because they were selling drugs illegally across the border and then those guns were being used in crimes back here. the drugs at SDSU stayed in the US. big difference.

cheechsbong says: “I heard they busted the ASU cheerleaders for the same thing.
500 lbs of Crack hidden in them thongs.” brilliant.

goldmentor gives one of my favorites: “DRUGS ARE FOR LOSERS!!
Kick them out of school, no refund of tuition, classes or books.
Give that money to students who truly want to better themselves in a positive manner.” obviously also never been to college. refunds? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

tdhurst (who i think put his real photo on there) writes: “Drugs I understand. BUt guns? Come on, guys.” yeah, because who ever heard of druggies with guns? good work, td. good work.

azcensorme is sheer brilliance: “I wonder how many were wearing affliction shirts.” we should be friends.

don’t think mccainiac08 will let this one go. he blurts this fantastic air: “It is only going to get worse if Obama is elected. They were probably at an Obama campaign rally. Because the only people that are going to vote for Obama are the pothead hippie losers.” totally. and they hate war too. especially worthless ones.

gvjane4 comes back with this awesomeness: “These are all of those great YOUTH VOTE….OBAMA IS ATTRACTING! WAIT UNTIL 4 YEARS FROM NOW…grammer schools will graduate from crack to Mexican gold heroin… STUPID PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY! “The President did it…and it didn’t hurt him….”.  i don’t even know what this means.

the comments on our local stories are almost better than comments on youtube. check ‘em out here for yourself if you have braincells and time to waste.

durtbagz.com: which signs?

hey gang-

we need yer help with picking the next round of signs on not only bagz, but t-shirts as well. yes, we’re adding shirts to your options on durtbagz.com.

the following signs are ones we are deciding on. we’re going to take 5 of them for this next round. help us pick the ones we use by telling us your favorite(s) in the comments. (these aren’t the final versions; my designer will clean them up and make them the right colors.)

1. TUBER

2. CHIPS AND DIP

3. SCOTTSDALE CITY LIMITS

4. DUH

5. YMCA

6. NEXT EXIT

7. LOOK OUT

8. BAD WATER SKIER

9. TRUTH

10. PITY THE FOOL

11. SKATEBOARDING

pick the ones you like and don’t like. it will help a bunch in picking the new gear/shirts.

thanks durtbagz!

durtbagz.com: shotgun sam

this story is true. i just want to make that clear before i start. i know i make a lot of things up, but this is 100% true. i’m serious.

some douchebag shot his girlfriend in her sleep last night in their hotel room in mesa. why did he shoot her? his gun accidentally went off during “quick draw practice”. that’s how the paper put it.

turns out, quick draw practice is exactly what you think it is. it means practicing shooting like high noon-style, take ten paces, turn and shoot. i feel pretty confident saying that everyone who’s anyone practices “quick draw” on a regular basis. kind of like practicing free throws, but there’s no basketball or goal. just a loaded gun, potentially pointed in the direction of a living person when it’s drawn. it’s easy.

now, this is a totally innocent mistake that can and does happen to anyone at anytime. sometimes you’re in a tight area and you absolutely have to practice. there is no getting around it: practice makes perfect. and when you’re looking at someone else who’s getting ready to shoot you, it’s better to be the one faster on the draw, you know? otherwise, things can get messy.

i know that i’ve reprimanded the husband multiple times for pointing his gun at me during “quick draw practice”. it’s just something that happens from time to time and you learn to deal with it. i just make sure his finger isn’t near the trigger so i don’t get shot. that would suck.

i tried to get him to practice without using bullets in the gun, but he said it wasn’t the same because the weight would be off if he practiced with an unloaded gun. and then, what good would it do him to practice? i quickly saw his point.

i thought i’d left all of this stuff when i left southern missouri. turns out, mesa is also a hub for the not-quite-so-bright. i guess i should have seen that coming; there is a bass pro there.

like the “DUH” sign? check out that one and other new ones here. we’ve got a lot and we’re getting ready to print more bagz and add shirts. check back at durtbagz.com to see the new stuff.

durtbagz.com: never saw this coming

star jones has filed for divorce from the gayest “heterosexual” man on the planet: mr. star jones.

this comes as a total shock to anyone who’s ever known this couple, heard of this couple, seen a photo of this couple or heard the name ‘big gay al’.

no one could have seen this coming; it seemed like the couple was a match made in heaven. like jack sprat and his fat wife, what’s her face.

being the publicity whore that star is, she agreed in a heartbeat to be interviewed. welcome to the best part of your day.

DB: star, i really want to thank you for taking the time to do this interview.

Star: sure! it’s important to me to get the truth out there. i know how things can get mixed up and rumors can get started.

DB: yeah, we certainly don’t want that. now, lets start at the beginning. tell us how you met big…al.

Star: well, we met through friends. my interior designer, peter, said, “star, ooooh girl, i have a friend that thinks you have the prettiest face on television! Mm-mm-mmm, he just giggles every time The View comes on.” so i said, who is it, and he said, “my roommate, al. you’d love him!” so, i told him to bring al over the next time he came by to drop of fabrics. so he did.

DB: did you think al was gay?

Star: what? no, why?

DB: because he lived with your interior designer, who sounds tremendously gay?

Star: no, no, no! just because peter was gay, didn’t mean his roommate was.

DB: right. so what did you think when you met him?

Star: i thought he was th- is that bacon? am i smelling bacon?

DB: what?

Star: i thought i smelled bacon.

DB: i wouldn’t know, we’re doing this over the phone.

Star: huh. i guess not. what was i saying?

DB: you were telling me what you thought of al when you first met him…

Star: oh right, i thought he was the best dressed guy i had ever seen. and the most primped guy ever. not a hair out of place. super smile and great taste in clothes.

DB: really. who made the first move?

Star: oh, i did, of course! when i see something i want, i g- is that steak? is someone grilling something?

DB: excuse me?

Star: it smells like something is grilling out here. like a t-bone, a baked potato, and vegetables.

DB: you can smell all of those things on a grill?

Star: oh sure. can’t you?

DB: um…no. i mean, i can smell steaks sometimes, but that’s about it.

Star: wow, that’s weird. what was i talking about?

DB: how you made the first move on al…

Star: right, right. so, as soon as they left my house, i texted peter and asked him for al’s number. i had to get a piece of that.

DB: so, where did you go for your first date?

Star: oooh, it was so romantic! first we went to see ‘brian boytano and friends on ice’, then we went dancing at a al’s favorite place, called ‘rainbow heaven’. he out-danced me all night! in fact, i had to sit out the last three hours because my feet hurt so bad.

DB: wow. sounds like a real hum-dinger.

Star: oh it was, i can’t rem-somebody’s got ‘In n Out’ up in here! okay, who has it? who’s got the ‘In n Out’ with grilled onions?

DB: yeah, that would be me.

Star: i knew it! i know my ‘In n Out’, girl.

DB: i’m sure you do. but, we’re not in the same room. we aren’t even in the same city; we’re doing this interview over the phone…

Star: yes…so, after dancing all night, i wanted al to stay over, but he wouldn’t. such a gentleman. so he took me to breakfast the next morning. my favorite: IHOP.

DB: when did you realize he was the one?

Star: immediately. i’d never met a man that knew how to act like a lady, like al did.

DB: you mean, treat you like a lady?

Star: that’s what i said

DB: so, then where’s the trouble in paradise?

Star: as the years went on, i was getting less an less of al’s attention. he started spending more and more time with peter. going on house calls and helping him with his interior design business.

DB: yeah, but you were working too?

Star: yes, that is true, i wa-now, who has got the nerve to bring pappa john’s up in here? i know i’m smellin’ a medium, 5 meat, double cheese, double crust super pie, and i know it! show your face, pie, show your face!

DB: maybe we should cut this short…

Star: No, no- i can handle it. i got tired of the late nights that interior design requires. finally, he ended up just moving in with peter and that’s when i said enough is enough.

DB: so, he is gay.

Star: oh, hell no. he’s a workaholic! moving in with his business partner was a sign that he was putting work before our marriage. and that was the last str-DUNKIN DONUTS! i know i smell two dozen donuts, 12 glazed, 6 chocolate, 4 sprinkles and 2 powder! show your face, donuts! i know you’re in here!

DB: well, that’s about all the time i’ve got. thanks for setting the story “straight”, star. i’m sorry things didn’t work out with al. no one could have seen this coming.

Star: (i can barely understand her; her mouth is full of something) thank you for the opportunity.

this sounds like a real interview. it’s not. but it sounds like it is.

durtbagz.com: rock of love 2 reunion

does rock of love ever get old? i thought yes, but i changed my mind. why? daisy facemess or whatever her last name is. here’s what i think when i see her mug:

i’m right, aren’t i? of course i am.

if you didn’t watch this show this season, #1 you are exactly 8 hours smarter than me and #2 you have no idea of just how important it is to keep your daughters off the pole.

this show should be called ‘whorehouse 2′ because that is basically what it is. except not everyone gets paid after.

watching this show made me want to single-handedly foot the bill for public education across the country. i highly doubt that they found the 20 girls who fell through the cracks; these are just your average girls, brought up in public education. take a drill team, plus a few hits of meth, 40 eyeliner sticks, a few pairs of clear stilettos, and 55lbs of silicone. voila: whores.

most of them are raging, too, which is my favorite kind of tv to watch. ever seen ‘intervention’? it’s kind of like that. but without the intervention at the end. and instead of having a support group, they are surrounded by people that can drink as much, if not more than them. it’s awesome.

plus, there is nothing more fun to see, than girls acting like they grew up in the ’50’s and are born to serve they man. the best is when brett eliminated a girl when she told him she didn’t love him yet, but she liked him a lot. the others cried and declared their love for him. whores: 1. honesty: 0.

i’m also sure that they have to get the girls they do because they need to feature girls who wear more make up than brett. because it’s no wonder he’s got to go on tv to find a lady piece; he’s as tired as pam anderson.

the best part is that due to the nature of the show, we are guaranteed a rock of love 3. i’m hoping for courtney love to be a participant in the next one.

saturday night

This weekend, we went out in Scottsdale for dinner and drinks. Here is a timeline of events throughout the evening:

8:30p: arrive at “Geisha A-Go-Go”, aka worst restaurant in Scottsdale. We’re told they are running 15 minutes behind on reservations. We go to the bar to wait, and notice a minimum of four empty tables. However, number of cougars in the bar outnumbers empty tables, 2 to 1.

8:50p: We are sat at our tables. As we sit down, it looks like we are all sitting a tiny, kid’s table because our seats are a good two feet shorter than they should be.

9:15p: We order food.

9:16p: A DJ starts spinning. Conversation turns into a horrible game of “telephone” as we cannot hear a word after that.

9:20p: My friend makes the comment that the girls there don’t seem too stupid. I ask her to turn around and take a look at the cougar making out with someone at the bar. Said friend apologizes.

9:30p: They bring us rice and salads.

9:40p: They bring us more rice.

9:50p: ‘Nother round of rice.

10:00p: First round of food arrives: four tiny strips of ahi tuna that are so small a bulimic would eat them and not have to purge.

10:01p: First round of food is done.

10:30p: Walking out of bathroom, my friend makes the comment, “This is a place where if you stayed here long enough, you’d totally see a 40 year old woman puke.”

10:45p: Remaining food arrives; tiny bowls of noodles. It becomes obvious that the cooking staff is made up entirely of gnomes.

11:00p: We finally leave. Upon exiting the place, we see that a velvet rope has been placed outside, along with four complete douchebag doorman. There was NO ONE waiting or wanting to get in.

11:15p: We hit the Saddle Ranch Chop House across the street. Outside patio is Cougar Central; inside, there is a mechanical bull

.

11:30p: The husbands decide to ride the bull. Thankfully, not together.

11:45p: Woman with cowboy hat and tiny mini-skirt decides to ride bull. After covering my eyes after she got on, I only looked up once and got an eye-full of thong from the backside. Almost lost my tiny tuna. Took another glance to see that mini-skirt had become something more of a belt. Didn’t have to watch anymore as the crowds’ moans told me it was not getting any prettier.

12:00a: Head to Gilligan’s, down the street.

12:15a: Random dude decides to sit at our table. His girlfriend of 5 minutes decides to join him by sitting on his lap. Since they are only making out with each other, none of us gets a chance to ask them WTF they are doing at our table. Finally, the husband informs them that we have nachos on the way and they’ll need to move along. They barely look up and move to the next table.

12:30a: Friend sitting next to me, hits the top of my beer bottle to make it foam. I cover it with my thumb and aim it back at him. The beer is a little more powerful than I anticipated, and I miss him and hit a guy playing beer pong about 10 feet behind us. That guy is so hammered, he has no idea what’s happened until his buddy tells him. He looks at me and I admit I did it. He wobbles, looks around and goes back to beer pong. I’m pretty impressed with my distance.

12:40a: Friend returns to the table and pours water on his feet/flip-flops as a hammered dude in the bathroom peed on his feet. Didn’t bother him as much as it should have.

1:00a: We leave bar and walk a block past where the car is parked. The sober driver wasn’t paying attention to where they parked because she was not the driver there.

1:30a: We get home and hit the sack.

6:30a: I wake up, feeling like I just ate nachos.

this girl

so, i was looking for new topics to write about and i came across this:

now, before we get to the picture, if you have never visited thedirty.com, you haven’t lived. it started here, as dirtyscottsdale.com and it’s spread nationwide. it’s like perezhilton except the photos are of the general public out at bars and clubs. basically, it’s “that guy” and “this girl” and they’re submitted by the public. super awesome.

okay, back to the picture.

i found this on dirty and apparently, this is a picture that this girl has posted of herself on facebook. i know if i had pictures like this available to the public, i’d post them.

since i had some extra time on my hands today, on the couch, watching the master’s, i thought i’d write a biography about our girl. it is, as follows:

“hi hi! my name is pamela maysweller and i luuuuuuuv tiny shopping carts! i also luuuuuuv pink! i pretty much have pink everything and i can always have more. i’m 19 years old and i have a tiny chihuahua, named Ci Ci. she luuuuuuuvs pink too. we get our nails done together every week and then we go to our favorite bakery and get treats! as you can see, i’m a beauty queen. i’ve been in TONS of paegants and have lots of awards. i love wearing my tiarras and sashes to class and other important meetings. it demonstrates how driven and successful i am.

i’m also very musically gifted. for the talent portion of my pageants, i play electrical guitar. i got third in the last pageant i did, when i played “Little Girls”, from “Annie”. it really brought the house down.

i’ve always been very outgoing and very social. i love meeting new people and planing parties and events. one of my favorite things to do is throw Ci Ci’s birthday party every year. it’s definitely become something i’m known for. i’d love to be able to have my own business, throwing and planning dog birthday parties. it’s one of my dreams.

i grew up in north scottsdale, arizona and my parents always taught me to be my own person. i’ve always been financially responsible for myself. my parents cover the bare necessities, but if i want something extra, like a second car, i have to pay for that myself. it has really made me a better person, having to rely only on myself for the things i need.

i have the greatest group of friends. we love hanging out together all the time. we all live together in a condo my parents rent to us, for free. we have lots of parties! my favorite one we had recently was a bag party for our dogs. it was awesome! we had a big cake for us and another one made just for the dogs, with all of their names on it. they loved it!

i also have the best boyfriend in the world! his name is sheldon and he works at best buy in the cell phone department. he’s always giving me the newest phones and he texts me all the time. he’s also always watching Ci Ci for me when i have important meetings for school. i’m very active on campus, as founding member of the ‘happy tails club’; a club for under privileged dogs so that every dog has the opportunity to spend at least one day a week at doggy daycare. i’m also on the board for the ‘make a child smile’ club where we raise money for children of all third world countries to get their teeth whitened.

as for the future, i’m planning on opening my own business, after graduation. actually, i will open two businesses: one that plans events for dogs and one that builds schools for kids in africa. as they say, my future’s so bright, i have to wear shades!”

if you’ve managed to keep your lunch down while reading this, then i have not done my job.

What a NKOTB fan looks like:

i liked danny. i was also 12 at the time and wore 2 different color Cons on a regular basis, so cut me some freaking slack.

my dad made so much fun of me for liking them. he would constantly say, ’some day, you’ll be embarrassed and mad at yourself for liking these guys. they’re just such nerds.’ and i would reply, ‘nu-uh, dad!’.

dang it! how could he possibly have known that? (i hope you can smell the steaming sarcasm.)

here are the reasons why 12 year olds all over the country loved NKOTB in 1989:

1. First boy band; there was no token “gay” one yet, so we thought we had a shot at marrying any of them

2. Songs were all about 3 minutes long and repeated the chorus no less than 9 times. One listen and we had memorized every song on both sides of the white tape. Remember that?

3. They had fool’s tails (aka rat tails, depending on the part of the country you’re from), obviously, this meant they were ‘bad’.

Now, here’s why them getting back together is the worst idea ever. EVER.:

1. The 12 year olds are now 30 year olds. We can now drink alcohol and think for ourselves. The end.

I actually got on the NKOTB fan site (oh yes, there is one, of course, for all of their ‘fans’ out there). There are blog posts on there that I think we need to go over in order to better understand this decision.

Blog post by Danny Wood (OMG! OMG!)

“I want to start off by saying I am so thankful and feel blessed to have this opportunity again. I feel like I have won the lottery twice. We finally have the chance to give all you guys what you have always deserved. I am also so excited to be able to share this experience with my kids. My children can finally see what everyone has been talking about over the years. To them I am just Pops; they are all very excited. It is also great to reconnect with the guys and share in this amazing ride. You guys have been so supportive over the years with everything we have done individually, I hope this is a way we can repay all of your efforts.”

Wow, nothing is hotter than an ex-boyband-er. Except for one with kids.

Sorry, Danny, but I think your confusing the lottery with lightning. Because that is how fast this will be over.

We had our fill. Believe me. All two years of it. The things that made you appealing back in the day, are nowhere appealing now. Let me explain:

Synchronized male dancing? No. Just ask Backstreet how much they’ve come back with their reunion. Is that still happening? Last I heard, Fat Nick what’s-his-face was seen wasted in LA, crashing non-famous peoples’ parties and not looking attractive while doing so. When one of your own decides to sit this one out, I’d say that’s a sign…

We’re all still embarassed by the last time we got caught up in this shizz. It’s too soon! It’s too soon! Just about the time we were over NKOTB, BSB and N*Suck came out and certain people got roped back into it, again. The wounds are still there and oozing. We don’t need this salt, right now. We’ve been burned at least twice now and we’re just not interested in a third time.

Boy bands are still and will always be the biggest joke on the planet. First off, let’s take the definition of the word band. A group of people that can sing but not play any instrument is not called the band; it’s called a choir. A dancing boys choir, aka Brother Act.

I’m just not sure who Danny is talking about, as far as giving us what we want/deserve. What the eff did we do to deserve this?!?! Let’s find out who did it and lock them up in a small room with Rosie O’Donnell and Bette Midler for 48 hours, as a thank you.

And as far as giving us what we want…no one asked me what I want. So, I’ll tell you: I want Big Head Todd to make a comeback. I want Sheryl Crow to play in Phoenix, this tour. I want to see Beastie Boys in Central Park. I want to see Rage before they inevitably break up again. What I don’t want is NKOTB, because it reminds me of Jr. High, when having curly hair was not cool, I tight-rolled my jeans, and was friends or not friends with people, based on what the crowd was doing that minute. Yeah, I was that deep.

Let’s move on to Joey’s blog…

“With any worthwhile endeavor comes hard work and sacrifice but the hardships and long hours don’t feel so heavy when you are doing it for the love of the game. Many blessings have and will come from this reunion. One most paramount is that we are able to work, stretch, fall, fight, laugh, let go and grow- and win together. In the end, its doing work we are proud of. Giving it everything you got so there are no regrets. We also happen to have a great time doing what we do. “Its like a constant cyclical interchange of emotions”…One fueling the other - The love for each other and the love for the game. 5 players never forgetting where they came from but knowing they could go all the way to the top. Nothings changed; every thing’s changed. Long live The Block! Sit tight and stay tuned for lots of exciting stuff to come and be sure to sign up for exclusive access and information at our OFFICIAL online home, nkotb.com! -JM”

I don’t even know what this means. WTF is he saying? Oh right, he missed elementary school, due to touring. Here’s the kicker: there are 576 comments for this post. I had no idea that meth addicts knew how to use the internets, but here’s proof: York Says: There is a God! BlockHeads Unite!!!!

Question: how do you make Posh Spice look like a NASA employee?

Answer: stand next to “York“.

This just seems like as good an idea as effing with a tiger at the SF Zoo. Although, I’d watch that happen.

durtbagz.com: 20 Questions for a Durtbag

while at our booth at tempe music festival, we held a drawing for a new Durtbag. luckily, our winners have just as lame a sense of humor as we do. and they agreed to answer our 20 questions, so we can get to know our newest Durtbagz a little bit better.

Name Kristi

2. Worst movie you’ve ever seen? Nacho Libre (I just don’t get it)

3. If you found yourself face-to-face with Paris Hilton, what would you say to her? I don’t think I would say anything, I’d be too busy laughing

4. Why did you stop by the Durtbagz booth at the Tempe Music Fest? “I thought, ‘Are you serious, does that bag really say that? What else is there?’”

5. Favorite character on “The Office”? I think Pam and Jim are great, but nobody can beat the randomness of Creed!

6. How tall are you? 5′6”

7. What did your parents nickname you when you were a kid? Kristi Annie (my middle name is Ann and I would always watch the musical Annie)

8. How do you feel about Jared from Subway? Great job losing the weight, but not so great losing your wife.

9. Oprah scares me because… She yells when she announces

10. Favorite state in the Union? I’m a fan of the great AZ. It’s got it all, lakes, desert, forest, snow, and a big fat hole in the ground!

11. What is your favorite drink, alcoholic/non-alcoholic? It’s got to be a vanilla Dr. Pepper.

12. Have you ever seen Mariah Carey’s movie, Glitter? Be honest. Honestly, nope.

13. If you got to be Head Bag Lady for a day at Durtbagz.com, what’s the first thing you’d do with your new-found power? Give every homeless person a bag. hey, it’s advertizing. What homeless person would throw something like this away?

14. What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done at work? The Tootie-Tah! (I work with kids!)

15. Favorite song lyric? “In this cruel and lonely world, I found one love.” –Josh Groban “You’re Still You”

16. If I were Britney Spears, I would… switch to the good kind of crazy and give away lots of my money!

17. Where do you live now? Gilbert

18. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in Vegas? Cirque du Soleil

19. Name one thing you plan to haul around in your new Durtbag: books

20. Favorite movie quote? “Cheese Grommit!” –Wallace & Grommit “A Grand Day Out”

durtbagz.com: fergie is crapalicious

newsflash: fergie might be produced in a studio. i know…shocking. but, at least she’s a good speller and that makes her a good role model. i mean, just listen, “T, to the A, to the S-T-E-Y, girl you tast…y”. wait a minute…THERE IS NO “E” IN TASTY. but it rhymes, so, what’s an extra E? it’s not like elementary school age kids listen to her….right?

i had to listen to her “sing” at the tempe music festival. the best thing i can say about her gig is that she didn’t pee in her pants on stage this timem. which, is actually too bad, because that might have improved things.

let me say this, the tempe music fest? fantastic. the other bands were great; especially the local bands. i actually found my new favorite band on saturday, “seconds to breathe“. take away the semi-cheesy name and these guys are incredible. they sound like incubus meets jimmy eat world, plus a dash of foo fighters. which happens to be my favorite bands all rolled into one.

before fergie hit the stage, she did an interview with the promoters and it was up on the big screens for the crowd to see. the first question was, “fergie, why are you so awesome?”. brilliant. however, the interviewer redeemed himself later in the interview, by stating, “we all know you used to be addicted to meth. you’ve come a long way since then, huh?”

sir, i applaud you.

BUT, apparently, she hasn’t.

at 11pm, fergie hits the stage to a packed crowd. and promptly sang three lines of different songs in a random montage of her music. i use the term “sang” very loosely. i’m pretty sure i can sing “uh”, “yeah”, “what?” while walking around a stage. i’ll do it, if you don’t believe me. in fact, i have.

oh yeah, and something weird happened when she began singing. during her pre-show interview, she spoke normally, with no hint of an accent at all. i guess the microphone makes you sound like you’re from Jersey, because in the first “song-third”, she breaks out “they spend they moneys on mey”-HUGE THICK ACCENT. what just happened? remember how everyone here heard you speak not 5 minutes ago? you don’t talk like that. the rest of the concert? fake accent.

also, since she was only singing “song-thirds”, she ran out of her own material pretty quick. like, 10 minutes in. so, to stall, she changed clothes. (keep in mind, this show was only an hour long). 5 minutes later, she’s out on stage again, singing other peoples’ songs. and this is about where the wheels fall off. for the next 30 minutes, she BUTCHERED cover songs of legit bands like rolling stones, tom petty, pretenders…and it looked like the concert was over. people were leaving like there was a fire. and we were outside.

i actually thought it might be over, but no. one look at the jumbo-tron proved she was still up there, not singing her songs. actually, if we’re keepin it real, she was not singing at all, really. i walked down to the edge of the crowd later on, and there was more lip synching going on there than ashley simpson on an SNL stage. there were not enough performers on the planet to save her in this performance. in her defense, it was the song “glamorous” and that is wicked hard to spell. no E’s.

such a bad, bad deal. if i had paid $55 for a ticket…i would have puked on myself and probably others around me. and they would have thanked me for giving them something else to focus on than her.

in a (fergie) word “s-h-i-t-e-o-u-s”.