Just some Durtbagz Advice

So, we’ve been out of town the last two weekends. Both places were full of exceptional people watching. Since I was saturated for two consecutive trips, I have a few tips to keep you looking Durtbagz-ish and not stupid-ish.

1. Men need sleeves. There’s just no way around it. Keep your sleeves, guys. Because without them, your pits are just crevasses of flab and hair.

2. Keds. Really? Keds? Here’s a rule of thumb: skinny shoes accentuate the cankles.

3. There’s only one thing worse than a perm and that’s a half grown-out perm.

4. Tucking your t-shirt into your jeans does not make it a dress shirt. There’s still no collar and I doubt number 8 (Old Dale) would have wanted his number that tight against your Bud belly, anyhow.

5. I can’t even believe we still have to cover this one: fanny packs. You people are got dam killing me with this. First off, if I told you I had a craptastic fashion accessory that was a) ugly, b) inefficient, and c) added weight to your belly, (since none of you actually wear fanny packs on your fanny), you’d never buy it. Yet, you did. Millions of you did.

Since that’s not really advice, it’s just me being snarky about people looking stupid, here’s some real advice.

Know someone who uses a belly-fanny pack? Buy them their very own Durtbag!!! They are proven to shave 9″ off of you waste and can carry 47 times the amount of a fanny pack.

Or, what about your neighbor who has managed to go sleeveless for the entire winter? Send him a subliminal message and put a Durtbagz t-shirt in his mailbox. Hairy, flabby pits GONE. Just like that.

The Keds I can do nothing about.

Ironman: True Durtbagz

That's not going to help his time.

Next weekend, one of our Durtbagz is competing in what is not his first Ironman competition, up in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. You da ho. I’m sorry, there’s no way I can say Idaho and not say that.

Not only is he doing a freaking Ironman, he’s also raising a butt load of money for my friend’s endowment at MD Anderson. See, Tim (said Durtbag) is also very good friends with Megan, the one we lost in January. He’s not just raising some cash to be able to say he donated, he’s raised $27,000. You read that right: $27,000 is what this guy has raised. Holy cannoli.

This isn’t the first race he’s done to raise money. Here’s a clip of Tim and Team Megan at the Hospital Hill run that happened in KC last weekend.

Anyway, in honor of Tim and his what he’s doing for Megan, and the fact that we finally got our Triathlon bags and shirts over at Durtbagz.com (woo hoo!), I thought we’d go back in time and look at where the Ironman competition came from.

People are crazy and have too much time on their hands so they decided to kill themselves and do an Ironman. The end.

Well, there’s a little more to it.

Back in the late 70’s, these people out in Hawai’i were having the debate of which type of athlete was in better shape: runners or swimmers. An article in Sports Illustrated ran about the same time, stating that Eddy Merckx, a cyclist, had the highest ever recorded rate of oxygen uptake and therefore, was the fittest athlete in the world.

To settle the debate, John Collins, a Naval Commander in Hawai’i suggested that they combine the three already existing long-distance races in each of the categories into one, and boo yeah, Ironman.

There a are a few more details to how the race became exactly the mileage it is today, but you get the point.

Collins was going to change the race into a relay event, but Sports Illustrated an another article, this time a 10 pager on the Ironman. After it ran, hundreds of people contacted Collins about participating and he ended up keeping it “as-is”.

Before the race, each participant received a 3-page flyer, covering the distances and routes. On the last page was handwritten, “Swim 2.4 miles! Bike 112 miles! Run 26.2 miles! Brag for the rest of your life“. It’s now their trademarked slogan.

Today, there are Ironman competitions all over the world, with the world championships still held in Hawai’i, every year.

The next natural step looks like it would be getting the competition into the Olympics. If I had to guess, I’d say that process would look a little something like this.

Katie’s Durtbag Swing

So, you’ve got a little kid birthday coming up, and you have no idea what to get the kid for a gift. I have an idea:

This is Katie and she’s swinging in a Durtbag. This was one of about 12 rides she got. We finally had to stop, because no one’s arms could take it, anymore. But she wasn’t done with the bag. If she couldn’t swing in it, she was going to sit in it and spent a good part of the evening just chilin’ in the Durtbag on the ground.

So the next time you need a baby/kid gift, consider heading over to Durtbagz.com and picking out a bag.

It’s cheap, it’s durable, and it gives you killer arms.

The Weird Street Sign Remains Incomplete

I’m not convinced.

I’m not convinced we’ve discovered the piece we need to complete and compliment this weird street sign.

See, this street sign is hilarious on it’s own, and whatever we add to it, has to enhance it. (Am I the only one that thinks of a girl with a boob job every time I hear “enhance”?). It has to go from incredible to ridonkulous.

The husband wanted me to just do the shirt with the sign, as-is. It’s already been done; I saw it in a couple of episodes of “Weeds” last season. Dang it! I’m not a copycat; I’m a Durtbag. So, we must continue to think.

I need ideas that are weird and unexpected. What the heck are these people running from?!?! A huge kitt-eh? A giant garden gnome?

OR what the heck are they flocking to? This can go either way, you know. A 24-hour, all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet? A building that just says “MASSAGE” on it? Lord knows, that place is a family affair.

People, I’ve come up with almost 30 signs on my own, before this. I think the least you can do is help me finish one. I mean, seriously, you act like I sit around and come up with signs all day. And maybe I do. But that’s neither here, nor there. I could still use the help.

Think harder, Durtbagz. If you can read this, you have a brain. If you have brain, you have a pulse. If you have a pulse, you can help me finish this got dam weird street sign.

The search continues…

Dose of Reality

Hi Durtbagz.

After experiencing a big dose of reality this past weekend, I want to talk about how important it is to not take yourself, or others, too seriously. After all, that’s really what weird street signs and Durtbagz.com is all about.

This past weekend, I was in Chicago for an “American Cancer Society” walk, in honor of my dear friend and college roommate, Megan McBride Franz. In March of 2008, she was diagnosed with stage IV colo-rectal cancer. It had metastasized on her liver by the time they realized she had cancer. In a pretty unfair 10 month fight, she lost her battle this past January 4, 2009. Three weeks after she turned 31.

We came to raise money and show support.  I have to say, the support part seems much more important, at this point, than the money.

I’ve learned a lot of things from Megan. From how to properly use a beer bong, to how to not care that you are the first and only person dancing at the party. Unfortunately, the most important thing I learned came from losing her.

What I learned was: This is it.

This is all we get, right here. Did you wake up today? Awesome, you are now awarded one more day to do something. One more day to live. We’ll see about tomorrow, but right now is what you’re given to work with. This is it.

How do you want to waste it? Getting mad at someone who didn’t use their turn signal? (guilty). Correcting someone who said “funner” instead of “more fun”? (not guilty. that’s an asshole thing to do). Getting annoyed that you’re the one that cleans the bathroom all the time? (guilty).

Or how do you want to spend it? Feeling good. Personally, I’d like to spend my day feeling good. I’m not saying everyday you bounce out of bed, singing U2’s “Beautiful Day”. I am saying, wake up, excited to see what happens with your life today. It doesn’t have to be earth shattering, it can just be feeling good.

Laughing makes me feel good.

Whether it’s at a movie, at someone who definitely takes themselves too seriously, or myself, I love laughing. And I’m pretty good at it. To me, there is almost nothing better than laughing until you’re crying. I just have to remind myself of that, every once in a while. Because, really, getting caught up and taking myself or anyone else too seriously is just a drag and not how I want to use my time. It’s way more valuable to me than that, since I have no idea how much I’m getting.

After being around Megan’s family and my college friends this weekend, it woke me up (again) to this reality. Today is all I get. And I’d like to spend it feeling good.

Have you had your laugh today, Durtbagz?

Finishing That Weird Street Sign

I have to say, I’m impressed with not just the amount of suggestions for this sign, but also for the quality of the suggestions. Well done, people.

I figured, since you had done your job and thrown out more than a few suggestions, I should at least throw you a bone and tell you which ones are in the running to be voted. What is that, you say? I’m having you vote again? Heck yes.

Here’s the deal, people. I make funny bags and novelty shirts at Durtbagz.com, FOR YOU. How can I know what to make, if you don’t tell me? You tell me what you like, I make it, you get it. It’s a win-win-win-win. Win.

These suggestions were given to me either on the last blog post or via Twitter, (@durtbagz if you want to follow me). I have compiled them, and picked my top choices.

So, here are the suggestions that I like, that you get to vote on for finishing this street sign:

1. Running With Scissors (will put scissors in each of their hands. scissors will be exaggerrated so they are obvious)

2. Giant Vegetable (huge piece of broccoli, celery or peapod will be chasing people)

3. Giant Lobster (same as above, except lobster)

4. Pac Man (same as above, except Pac Man. maybe a ms. pac man…)

5. Giant Cow (same as above, except a cow. big, big cow)

6. Huge Walking Bar of Soap (so weird, it’s awesome)

7. Giant Wiener Dog (although, I don’t know if the sign is long enough…)

Okay people, once again, it is your duty as Durtbagz to choose your fate and finish this weird street sign.

Triathlon It Is

Wow. I asked you to help me pick the next weird street signs for Durtbagz, and you answered.

Latest Weird Street Signs at Durtbagz.com

I hear you. Loud and clear.

Because of the seriousness of the lopsided vote, I’m changing the rules a little bit.

I know I said I’d be printing the top two winners. I lied. I’m only printing the triathlon sign because the vote was ridonculous.

So, you win. Triathlon shirts and bags will be available at Durtbagz.com next Wednesday. Boo. Yeah.

However, since I did say I wanted to print two signs, I am working on the second one. If you haven’t heard, I need your help finishing this sign. So, keep up the good work, and help me complete that sign, so we can get it rolling, too.

Finish this Weird Street Sign

I need your help again, Durtbagz. See, the last vote we had was so lop-sided that I’m only going to print the sign that won, since it got 72% of the vote.

I was wondering why it was so drastic, until I realized that the other signs just weren’t that good. I know I can do better. I will do better. I’m 50% there, I just need you guys to finish it, so we can call it one of our own weird street signs.

This is the sign I’m working with:

What are we running from?

The 50% that is missing, is the thing that is chasing them. What are they runing from? So far, we (me and some Twitter folk) have come up with a) a gigantic, crawling baby and b) Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and c) a giant cow.

I like these ideas and I want more to choose from, before deciding the final cut. Here is the criteria:

-Must be something you would not normally run from

-Must be something that looks weird, being gigantic

Leave your idears in the comments and then we’ll put them to a vote. You guys are great at voting. Nice work.

Bring the funny, people.

Head Bag Lady

Choose the Next Durtbagz

That’s right, folks. It’s time to add to the Durtbagz weird street signs selection and I need your help to do it.

See, it doesn’t matter what I like, as far as the signs go, because I’m not buying them. So, I need your votes, to tell me which signs to print next. That way, you get what you want and I don’t have to guess at it. Which blows.

So, here are your choices. The top two will be winners.

Arkansas State Bird

Super Wheelchair

High School Ahead

Triathlon

Lunch

Now, before you vote, you need to think carefully on why you’re choosing the ones you are. Picture yourself asking for them as funny birthday gifts. Which one would you give as a gift to your friend who is obsessed with Ray Romano and loves WKRP reruns? These are the things that need to be considered before casting your vote.

You can vote multiple times, if you like. See if I care. You’re just digging your own grave if you screw around and vote differently every time.

Thanks and check back for the results!

Head Bag Lady

Mullet Durtbagz: Going, going, gone

May the party in the back be eternal.

Yep. It’s true. I’m “retiring” the Mullet Durtbagz. She’s had a great run (yes, she). An incredible run, actually, as she’s one of the few that’s been around from the beginning and re-printed. and re-printed. And the time has come to make room for new Durtbagz.

She’s not gone yet. there are two left of her. Yes, two. So if you want this little piece of history for your friend who is obsessed with mullets, you better act fast, because she’s not long for this world.

In honor of mullet durtbagz, I thought we’d take a walk down memory lane with her and see how’s she managed so long over the…year.

Here she is in her original sign.

Mullets: Hip to be Square

Then, she morphed into this.

Nice moo-lay

Now, she’s here, in her boring “old” formal pic.

Mullets: They're Just Like Us

Oh, this is a good one. Here she is, having a great time with some other Durtbagz at Tempe Music Fest in 2008.

That guy wishes he had enough hair for a mullet.

And, lastly here she is, with her favorite thing in the world: clamato.

Click here to buy this bag. If either are left. Slacker.

And just for funsies, here are a few mullets of blogs past.

Who could forget Earl?

Earl would never have let me live this down if he was left out of the Mullet Durtbagz retirement party.

Say hello to Stevie.

I heard about it, BIG TIME, from Stevie, after leaving him out of the other mullet post. His hair gets real fuzzy in the back, when he’s mad and he enjoys sleeping in his glasses and reading the latest “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books.

Pubes. It's what's for dinner.

That guy never gets old.

Okay folks, say your goodbye’s because she’s all but gone. Leave your goodbye’s for her here.