durtbagz: SEO and freakin’ babies

so, as not to stray from the theme of not holding up their part of the bargain, i’ve discovered that my web-turds have not done, well, anything really, concerning the SEO of durtbagz. (SEO is nerd-code for search engine optimization and is how you get found on the internets.) irked, but not at all surprised, i decided that i would give them a list of exactly what i needed to be done. not a huge list; a necessary list. basic stuff like key words and links and where they were all going, to put it in the simplest terms.

after studying SEOMOZ’s post that is basically an idiot’s guide to SEO, i made a list of the issues that were most important and passed it along to the turds. like i said, this list was not long; maybe 8 issues and a lot of them were as simple as ‘add two keywords to title of each page’. not brain surgery. and as a side-note, keep in mind that i gave them my initial list of key words when we signed our contract. in april. i also gave them a revised one (of my own doing, not that they’ve asked for it) a month ago. have i received anything back? no. i have no idea what keywords are even being used for my own site. here’s what i got as a response:

Erin, Please understand it takes a minimum of 30-60 days to just be read as a new website! That will only begin you ranking for Durtbagz. From that point on you will slowly see results for individual keywords. Our SEO dept is working on your site, and nothing is guaranteed. As they make progress I will keep you informed.

i don’t know about you, but i’m full of optimism after that reassuring response! and fyi: we launched 19 days ago and google has already ‘read’ durtbagz as a site so the 30-60 is BS, in my humble opinion.

thankfully, my friend christine is going to help me get things sorted. i’m either going to fire them and do this myself, or fire them and hire someone else do to it for me. or continue bitching at them every day until i get what i want. again. don’t these people realize they are dealing with an only child? i can do this all day long, folks. try me.

on another note that is totally unrelated to durtbagz. this is something i’d usually reserve for a friday post, but i just have to get it out there.

i currently have nine friends that are pregnant. yes, nine. nine-r. nine times. one less than ten. nine.

do you know how weird this is? it is weird. i, now, have to listen to conversations i never even knew existed. why can’t you eat soft cheese? what do embroy’s have against velvetta? or lunch meat? i mean, seriously? what do you think the chances are of you feeding your kids a baloney and cheese and mayonnaise sandwich? i think pretty damn good so why not give them a taste of heaven in utero?

now, most of my closest friends here have to watch what they eat and give up alcohol. where does that leave me? in the middle of conversations about weight and food in-take…sober. wow, it’s like i just described my perfect day.

i know the upcoming year is going to be very interesting. i think i’ll learn a bunch of jokes so i can interject after the fourth conversation of feeling sick happens. “so, i ate eggs this morning and an hour later-” “knock knock!”

or i’ll just drink a lot to make up for it. what the eff? i have at a minimum three sober drivers to make up for it at any given time. i also think i’ll talk about my dog like they talk about being pregnant. “i think i’m going to probably nurse for the first 9 months or so.” “really? i had casey on the teet for at least 13. her teeth and claws were so much stronger than the other puppies.”

actually, this could be ‘funner’ than i originally thought.