well, you asked for her and i got her.
i asked if i was allowed a phone-interview with her while she’s currently in rehab, and they said no…no…no. but she found out about my efforts and wanted to get her side of the story out, so she called me and said…you know where that was going.
anyway, here’s amy’s version of her life. i couldn’t have written it better if i had made it up myself.
DB: so amy, it’s kinda funny that you’re in the one place you told the world you’d never go.
AW: where?
DB: um, rehab. you said you wouldn’t go to rehab.
AW: when did i say that?
DB: uh, in your song called ‘rehab’.
AW: oh, right. right. yeah, i didn’t want to go.
DB: yeah. so, how come you ended up going?
AW: well, with blake still in jail, i didn’t have anything else to do.
DB: i thought you were going on tour?
AW: yeah, i canceled it.
DB: yeah, but wouldn’t that have kept you busy?
AW: yeah, but i couldn’t leave my blake.
DB: but he’s already gone because he’s in jail. you don’t get to see him anyway.
AW: yeah, but i couldn’t leave my blake.
DB: okay, but what about your fans?
AW: my fans? like in my house?
DB: what?
AW: like the fans in my flat that keep it cool in the summer? they’re fine. i just turn them off when it starts getting cool out. they’re built in the roofs; they aren’t portable.
DB: i don’t even…
AW: why do you care about my fans?
DB: i don’t if you don’t. next question. what’s with the disgusting ballet slippers?
AW: i have small feet and those fit me the best. i hate those shoes that show your toes and everything. feet are disgusting.
DB: yeah, but wearing shoes that are completely durty and have blood on them half the time is pretty gross, too. you have to admit.
AW: but they fit me the best.
DB: i get that. but they are gross.
AW: (doesn’t say anything; just sits and stares at me. at one point i’m actually afraid she might bite me.)
DB: you’re a famous signer, can’t you just buy yourself new, clean ones?
AW: why?
DB: nevermind. let’s talk about your hair.
AW: what about it?
DB: well, it’s kind of odd for a young girl to want to wear a gigantic beehive.
AW: it’s all about style. it’s very important for me to have my own style. having a beehive made me stand out with my style. i’m all into style.
DB: then why the gross ballet shoes?
AW:(once again, glares at me)
DB: fine. how long did it take you to make it that big every day?
AW: oh, i didn’t do it every day.
DB: really? because it looked like you did it up every day.
AW: no…no…no. i just fixed it like that once or twice a week and the rest of the time it just stayed like that.
DB: oh.
AW: yeah, it was incredibly easy.
DB: and gross.
AW: (again, says nothing.)
DB: so, if it was such a huge part of your style, why did you hack it all off and dye it platinum?
AW: i needed a change.
DB: how so?
AW: i needed to change something.
DB: yeah, i get that, but why?
AW: well, i don’t know if you know this, but sometimes i cut myself. it’s kind of a secret.
DB: from who?
AW: what?
DB: nothing, go on..
AW: well, i decided one day to cut something else other than myself to make me feel better. so i grabbed scissors and started cutting my hair.
DB: you did that yourself?
AW: no. i did half of it myself.
DB: oh.
AW: then i waited until the middle of the night, called up my hair girl, and had her cut the rest and bleach it.
DB: why did you do it in the middle of the night?
AW: because i didn’t want anyone to know i did it.
DB: yeah, but…there’s no way you can hide that. people found out eventually.
AW: yeah, but not until the next day. see?
DB: sure, that makes all kinds of sense…
AW: exactly.
DB: so what was the deal with that night where you were found wandering the streets, shirtless at 4am?
AW: simple. i went out and when i got home that night, i realized i had lost my shirt.
DB: how?
AW: i had no idea. that is why i was out looking for it.
DB: don’t you have more shirts?
AW: yes, but i liked that one.
DB: did you find it?
AW: no. i couldn’t believe it.
DB: yeah, that is hard to believe. where did you look?
AW: um, you know. around.
DB: did you go back to the places you were that night to see if they were there?
AW: no.
DB: what? why not?
AW: well, because i had been a lot of places and because i’d been to so many, i couldn’t remember all of them. so after a little while of walking, i got tired and i was cold and so i just bought some crisps and went back home.
DB: makes perfect sense. um, so let’s talk about rehab.
AW: no…no…no.
DB: amy, you said you wanted to tell your side of the story.
AW: i do.
DB: so why did you just say no?
AW: habit.
DB: oh.
AW: yeah, this place is sucking the life out of me.
DB: why?
AW: there are no drugs here. there is no blake here. there is no life here. it is sterile.
DB: yeah, it’s rehab.
AW: i have nothing to do.
DB: can’t you read and learn the steps and whatever?
AW: reading makes me want to shoot up.
DB: so do something that doesn’t make you want to shoot up.
AW: like what?
DB: like keeping a diary.
AW: makes me want to shoot up.
DB: okay how about exercising or taking a walk?
AW: shoot up.
DB: drawing?
AW: shoot up.
DB: crosswords?
AW: shoot up.
DB: sewing?
AW: shoot up.
DB: cooking?
AW: shoot up.
DB: jesus. what about just talking to someone?
AW: nope. i actually want to shoot up right now.
DB: brushing your teeth?
AW: what’s that?
DB: wow. you kind of give ‘getting clean’ a whole different meaning.
AW: what?
DB: nothing. so when does blake get out?
AW: i don’t know…no…no.
DB: do you think you’re marriage can survive this?
AW: we’ve survived worse.
DB: what’s worse then you in rehab and your husband in jail?
AW: um…i don’t know if you know this, but i tried to kill him one time. i cut him on his neck. it’s kind of a secret.
DB: huh. you don’t say.
AW: yes. that was worse.
DB: so what are your plans once you’re done with rehab?
AW: i’m working on a ‘rehab’ remix.
DB: huh. yeah, i guess we should have seen that coming.
AW: it’s the same except-
DB: i think we get it. that’s all the time i’ve got, amy. thanks for talking to us. good luck with getting sober.
AW: i love blake!
DB: yeah, who doesn’t?
*this seems real. but it’s not. but it could be.
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