durtbagz.com: fergie is crapalicious

newsflash: fergie might be produced in a studio. i know…shocking. but, at least she’s a good speller and that makes her a good role model. i mean, just listen, “T, to the A, to the S-T-E-Y, girl you tast…y”. wait a minute…THERE IS NO “E” IN TASTY. but it rhymes, so, what’s an extra E? it’s not like elementary school age kids listen to her….right?

i had to listen to her “sing” at the tempe music festival. the best thing i can say about her gig is that she didn’t pee in her pants on stage this timem. which, is actually too bad, because that might have improved things.

let me say this, the tempe music fest? fantastic. the other bands were great; especially the local bands. i actually found my new favorite band on saturday, “seconds to breathe“. take away the semi-cheesy name and these guys are incredible. they sound like incubus meets jimmy eat world, plus a dash of foo fighters. which happens to be my favorite bands all rolled into one.

before fergie hit the stage, she did an interview with the promoters and it was up on the big screens for the crowd to see. the first question was, “fergie, why are you so awesome?”. brilliant. however, the interviewer redeemed himself later in the interview, by stating, “we all know you used to be addicted to meth. you’ve come a long way since then, huh?”

sir, i applaud you.

BUT, apparently, she hasn’t.

at 11pm, fergie hits the stage to a packed crowd. and promptly sang three lines of different songs in a random montage of her music. i use the term “sang” very loosely. i’m pretty sure i can sing “uh”, “yeah”, “what?” while walking around a stage. i’ll do it, if you don’t believe me. in fact, i have.

oh yeah, and something weird happened when she began singing. during her pre-show interview, she spoke normally, with no hint of an accent at all. i guess the microphone makes you sound like you’re from Jersey, because in the first “song-third”, she breaks out “they spend they moneys on mey”-HUGE THICK ACCENT. what just happened? remember how everyone here heard you speak not 5 minutes ago? you don’t talk like that. the rest of the concert? fake accent.

also, since she was only singing “song-thirds”, she ran out of her own material pretty quick. like, 10 minutes in. so, to stall, she changed clothes. (keep in mind, this show was only an hour long). 5 minutes later, she’s out on stage again, singing other peoples’ songs. and this is about where the wheels fall off. for the next 30 minutes, she BUTCHERED cover songs of legit bands like rolling stones, tom petty, pretenders…and it looked like the concert was over. people were leaving like there was a fire. and we were outside.

i actually thought it might be over, but no. one look at the jumbo-tron proved she was still up there, not singing her songs. actually, if we’re keepin it real, she was not singing at all, really. i walked down to the edge of the crowd later on, and there was more lip synching going on there than ashley simpson on an SNL stage. there were not enough performers on the planet to save her in this performance. in her defense, it was the song “glamorous” and that is wicked hard to spell. no E’s.

such a bad, bad deal. if i had paid $55 for a ticket…i would have puked on myself and probably others around me. and they would have thanked me for giving them something else to focus on than her.

in a (fergie) word “s-h-i-t-e-o-u-s”.