What a NKOTB fan looks like:

i liked danny. i was also 12 at the time and wore 2 different color Cons on a regular basis, so cut me some freaking slack.

my dad made so much fun of me for liking them. he would constantly say, ’some day, you’ll be embarrassed and mad at yourself for liking these guys. they’re just such nerds.’ and i would reply, ‘nu-uh, dad!’.

dang it! how could he possibly have known that? (i hope you can smell the steaming sarcasm.)

here are the reasons why 12 year olds all over the country loved NKOTB in 1989:

1. First boy band; there was no token “gay” one yet, so we thought we had a shot at marrying any of them

2. Songs were all about 3 minutes long and repeated the chorus no less than 9 times. One listen and we had memorized every song on both sides of the white tape. Remember that?

3. They had fool’s tails (aka rat tails, depending on the part of the country you’re from), obviously, this meant they were ‘bad’.

Now, here’s why them getting back together is the worst idea ever. EVER.:

1. The 12 year olds are now 30 year olds. We can now drink alcohol and think for ourselves. The end.

I actually got on the NKOTB fan site (oh yes, there is one, of course, for all of their ‘fans’ out there). There are blog posts on there that I think we need to go over in order to better understand this decision.

Blog post by Danny Wood (OMG! OMG!)

“I want to start off by saying I am so thankful and feel blessed to have this opportunity again. I feel like I have won the lottery twice. We finally have the chance to give all you guys what you have always deserved. I am also so excited to be able to share this experience with my kids. My children can finally see what everyone has been talking about over the years. To them I am just Pops; they are all very excited. It is also great to reconnect with the guys and share in this amazing ride. You guys have been so supportive over the years with everything we have done individually, I hope this is a way we can repay all of your efforts.”

Wow, nothing is hotter than an ex-boyband-er. Except for one with kids.

Sorry, Danny, but I think your confusing the lottery with lightning. Because that is how fast this will be over.

We had our fill. Believe me. All two years of it. The things that made you appealing back in the day, are nowhere appealing now. Let me explain:

Synchronized male dancing? No. Just ask Backstreet how much they’ve come back with their reunion. Is that still happening? Last I heard, Fat Nick what’s-his-face was seen wasted in LA, crashing non-famous peoples’ parties and not looking attractive while doing so. When one of your own decides to sit this one out, I’d say that’s a sign…

We’re all still embarassed by the last time we got caught up in this shizz. It’s too soon! It’s too soon! Just about the time we were over NKOTB, BSB and N*Suck came out and certain people got roped back into it, again. The wounds are still there and oozing. We don’t need this salt, right now. We’ve been burned at least twice now and we’re just not interested in a third time.

Boy bands are still and will always be the biggest joke on the planet. First off, let’s take the definition of the word band. A group of people that can sing but not play any instrument is not called the band; it’s called a choir. A dancing boys choir, aka Brother Act.

I’m just not sure who Danny is talking about, as far as giving us what we want/deserve. What the eff did we do to deserve this?!?! Let’s find out who did it and lock them up in a small room with Rosie O’Donnell and Bette Midler for 48 hours, as a thank you.

And as far as giving us what we want…no one asked me what I want. So, I’ll tell you: I want Big Head Todd to make a comeback. I want Sheryl Crow to play in Phoenix, this tour. I want to see Beastie Boys in Central Park. I want to see Rage before they inevitably break up again. What I don’t want is NKOTB, because it reminds me of Jr. High, when having curly hair was not cool, I tight-rolled my jeans, and was friends or not friends with people, based on what the crowd was doing that minute. Yeah, I was that deep.

Let’s move on to Joey’s blog…

“With any worthwhile endeavor comes hard work and sacrifice but the hardships and long hours don’t feel so heavy when you are doing it for the love of the game. Many blessings have and will come from this reunion. One most paramount is that we are able to work, stretch, fall, fight, laugh, let go and grow- and win together. In the end, its doing work we are proud of. Giving it everything you got so there are no regrets. We also happen to have a great time doing what we do. “Its like a constant cyclical interchange of emotions”…One fueling the other – The love for each other and the love for the game. 5 players never forgetting where they came from but knowing they could go all the way to the top. Nothings changed; every thing’s changed. Long live The Block! Sit tight and stay tuned for lots of exciting stuff to come and be sure to sign up for exclusive access and information at our OFFICIAL online home, nkotb.com! -JM”

I don’t even know what this means. WTF is he saying? Oh right, he missed elementary school, due to touring. Here’s the kicker: there are 576 comments for this post. I had no idea that meth addicts knew how to use the internets, but here’s proof: York Says: There is a God! BlockHeads Unite!!!!

Question: how do you make Posh Spice look like a NASA employee?

Answer: stand next to “York“.

This just seems like as good an idea as effing with a tiger at the SF Zoo. Although, I’d watch that happen.