Zombie Crossing

one quick bit of business to get out of the way: Emily won the t-shirt for suggesting blogs of moms. and yes, it helped that the author also pushed for her. what? this isn’t a democracy, it’s a cheerocracy.

We want your brain. Also, we aren't real.

okay, as you can tell from the title, the zombie crossing shirts are for sale. they are being printed this week and are on sale for $16.99. ordering it early will save you $3 for the next day or so. hurry up.

WTF IS THE DEAL WITH ZOMBIES?

zombies are dead people that want to eat the brains of people that are alive or infect them to become zombies. so why are people obsessed with that? i can understand other groups of characters that people love because they are real:

pirates? real.

ninjas? real.

jayhawks? real.

but zombies are not real. they are fake. i’d argue that they might be the most talked about, fake things on the planet.

apparently there are different kinds of zombies. take these gay zombies, for example.

there is also a HUGE site, called, “zombie survival and defense“. i lost count of all the discussions concerning a plan for the zombie apocalypse. also, at the bottom is an add for the new 90210. huh. weird crowd.

there was even a zombie press conference. i agree, they should be eating US beef.

i mean, look at this lady. she’s a mother, yet she is constantly thinking/worrying/obsessing about zombies. i’d like to rename her blog, the un-dead mom.

here is why i’m so confused that zombies are a threat:

1. have you ever seen a zombie run? i haven’t. they typically just schlep along, dragging a leg, stumbling over curbs and logs, not running. this alone makes the survival rate of a zombie attack fairly high. point: humans.

My stomach is still living.

2. it seems that the point of most zombies is to infect others. they can’t infect you if they can’t catch you. right?

3. the way to finish a zombie, is to drill it in the head. by my calculations, if a zombie is approaching your front door, you should have time to dry your hair, get dressed, drive to ace hardware, buy a new shovel, also look at the random assortment of keys you can have made, stop by the ATM, come home, realize you already have a shovel, go back to ace, return the shovel, and get a new house key made with a number 8 on it to remember “dale”, drive back home, try the key, it works, put it in that small pocket in your purse, get the original shovel, go out on the front porch, realize your flowers are a bit dry, get the hose, water the plants, re-pot the daffodils because they are getting too big, get the shovel, give it a few practice swings, realize the handle is too slick, get some grip tape from your tennis bag, put it on the handle, remember you have some neon pink grip tape and decide you want that instead because you’re in that kind of mood, put the pink tape on, stand on the porch like you’re in a batter’s box and wait until it’s head is in your swing radius. then swing.

Those two have eaten more than brains.

am i missing something? do zombies have guns? do they shoot web that snags people? can they stop time and go around, tagging people?

to answer this, i found an article called “5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen“. one of the five involves humans getting mad cow disease. why do the words “mad cow” make me laugh?

there’s on in wired that describes how to survive a zombie apocalypse. step one: know your zombies.

i need help. why do people like zombies? why are they planning for a zombie apocalypse? why do they move so slow?