for this friday i have a question that’s been on my mind in stead of telling a story. here is my question:
what the eff happened to bon jovi and when did they become schizophrenic?
seriously, slippery when wet? van-tastic. i bet that 90% of people that have ever listened to the radio can sing just about every song on there by heart. they followed that up with new jersey, which had no less than five hits on it. then when they did young guns and blaze of glory, oh man, hotness. hot guys singing a song in a movie with hot guys. really? yes, really.
i’m still a huge fan of livin’ on a prayer. i can’t not sing it when i hear it and i usually harmonize, which is awesome for everyone around me. just ask the people around me at the grocery store monday night. typically, i get an encore. not only do i sing when i hear it, i have to fight the urge to dance to it as well. as you may or may not know, dancing to livin’ on a prayer is a serious business and can’t be done half-ass. you’re either all in or you’re sitting on the sidelines. there’s no room for mediocrity on that song.
blaze of glory is the theme song to a show called ‘deadliest catch‘. that song was released more than a decade ago. need i say more? people DIE on that show. you can’t put just some song on there to start; it is legit. dude.
fast forward a little bit to the bon jovi of the new millennium, where jon informed us that ‘it’s my life‘. failure. horrible. seriously, you can have your life. like we want it now; it sucks.
then they wanted us all to ‘have a nice day’. did anyone else gag when they heard this song? (belch!) when i first heard it, i thought it was a weird al song. although, i don’t think al wanted to touch that song with a 10ft pole. he knew he couldn’t make it any funnier than the ‘artists’ had already.
and how do they follow it up? with the smash hit, ‘who says you can’t go home’. i’ll tell you who says it: NO ONE. i think you misunderstood us. probably couldn’t hear us very well over the crap you’re playing.
after all of the nonsense from that album, they decide to make a serious attempt at a comeback…and make the super good decision of producing a country album. you know what i’m talking about. don’t tell me you haven’t heard the edgy new single, rockin’ the airways, ‘you want to make a memory’ (warning: you have to say it in a whisper. the band won’t allow it spoken out loud). brilliant, fellas. well done. i, for one, am at a loss of words to describe how i feel. no i’m not. confused, scammed, embarrassed, disappointed, angry, duped, sad, and bored.
who are these guys? sub question: who is their stylist? tres horrible. jonny looks like someone rubbed his head with a towel something fierce and then sent him out the door. this hair stylist is in heaven because now he does that nerd from goo goo dolls AND jon bon. (ooouuulll, dry heave). richie, who used to be the hottest member, now looks like a bloated piece of beef jerky. hey, magda sambora, ever heard of sunblock?
my advice: put out a reward to the person who finds bon jovi’s identity because they need it stat. i blame denise richards. who’s with me?