(FYI, i know it’s avril. just go along with it.)here’s the deal. i can’t stand avril lavigne. i think she’s a complete turd and basically your run-of-the-mill jerk. i love seeing her on perezhilton because he has the most perfect things to say about her and loser-ness. so you can imagine my surprise when i get a phone call from her and ended up doing this interview.
she saw the one i did with heidi and spencer and called me to tell me how much of an idiot i was for publishing them. i informed her that i wasn’t the one wasting my time calling total strangers to tell them they are lame. then i called her paris hilton for not having anything better to do, considering she’s allegedly on a tour and all, eh?
then she told me to eff myself, that i didn’t even know her. so i said, fine. let’s interview you so the rest of humanity, who also isn’t that into you, can get a shot of the real avril. and she bit. what a douche. i took full advantage.
DB: so avril, why are you such a jerk? i mean, you’re not even 25 yet and already so jaded that you’re painful. what’s the deal?
AL: i’m just real. i call it like i see it and people don’t like hearing the truth. i tell them exactly what i think and exactly where they stand. if people get mad at that , then f— them.
DB: giving someone your opinion isn’t necessarily the truth; it’s just your opinion. and you dump it all over everyone all the time. that’s what gets you into trouble.
AL: i’m just calling people out on their fakeness. i’m keeping it real.
DB: real what?
DB: yeah. well, people might be more interested in you and your music if you weren’t so angry about everyone all the time.
AL: what do you mean?
DB: i mean that you piss people off because you shoot your mouth off about every body. you even bitched about gwen steffani. who the heck bitches about gwen steffani?
AL: that girl is a phony and full of s—. she’s only on stage for a total of 42 minutes during her entire show.
DB: so what? i’d pay more to see her for 42 minutes than i would to suffer through you for 3 hours. and i think most people feel the same way. gwen is a performer. you’re an a-hole.
AL: yeah? well, maybe i am an a-hole, but i deliver to my fans.
DB: how do you know? did you ask both of them?
AL: i have tons of fans.
DB: oh. are they deaf or mute?
AL: you’re an a-hole.
DB: what april? i’m keeping it real.
AL: it’s avril.
DB: whatever, i heard it was april and your parents spelled it wrong on your birth certificate.
AL: jesus, you’re so annoying.
DB: really? hello, kettle? yeah, it’s pot calling…
AL: i don’t even know what that means.
DB: well, i wouldn’t expect you to. it’s an american saying and since english is your second language, i’m not surprised.
AL: we speak english in canada, you dork.
DB: oh, i thought you’re stuff was translated and that’s why the lyrics were so bad. huh, you speak english naturally?
AL: yes! god, you’re stupid. you should kill yourself.
DB: now you know how any person that has ever interviewed you has felt at some point during said interview. let’s talk about your husband. i can’t believe someone actually wanted to marry you.
AL: what are you talking about? he’s awesome. we’re best friends.
DB: i bet. you guys have a lot in common. you both were in punk bands. you’re both short. you’re both canadian. you both slept with paris hilton.
AL: what? i didn’t sleep with paris hilton! what are you talking about?!?
DB: oh, that’s right, just your husband did her. how weird is that? he goes from sleeping with paris hilton to sleeping with april levigne? seems pretty weird from where i sit. i’m thinking you drugged him. or paris did to get away.
AL: paris was way before me and he was in a weird part of his life.
DB: you mean it’s weird being in paris?
AL: god, shut up! no.
DB: so you did sleep with her, too.
AL: no! he dated her way before we even met. besides, what do i care anyway? he married me.
DB: i know. that was one bad lost bet. i thought he was putting out a record with his band, blink 182.
AL: it’s sum 41, you snatch. and they did put out an album. they’re on tour right now, too.
DB: so weird, i haven’t even heard anything from it. are you sure they actually put out the record?
AL: of course, i’m sure, jesus. i’m married to the guy.
DB: so, then where is it?
AL: what do you mean?
DB: where’s the freaking record? i mean, i have XM and everything, and i haven’t heard a single song.
AL: it’s out. it gets played at clubs, mostly.
DB: right. that’s why i haven’t heard it. why didn’t i think of that? when i think blink 182, i think club hits.
AL: his band isn’t freaking blink 182. it’s sum 41. it’s not that hard.
DB: wow. even britney’s drugged-out ‘gimme more’ got a lot of air time. sum 41 got it’s ass kicked by britney spears?
AL: what are you even talking about? britney spears is a piece of s—- mother who is crazy and a waste of space.
DB: that’s not true. that’s just your opinion. see? this is what i was talking about. do the world a favor and shut your face, already.
AL: i can’t believe this is how you treat the people you interview.
DB: i don’t. you called me, remember? i probably won’t even publish this. i was just effing with you.
AL: i hate you.
DB: not enough to hang up.
AL: whatever! you know what? you’re ful-
turns out, avril actually is dumber than she looks. i always thought that was just a saying.
*this interview isn’t real. it sure seems like it could be though.