it’s none other than the newest couple we love to hate because…well, because they deserve it. yes, i landed the interview with heidi montag and spencer pratt. it’s perfect timing too because i just read their interview they did together in UsWeekly and it was hilarious. i had to get them. but before i had the chance to call heidi’s publicist, otherwise known as herself, spencer contacted me. i played hard to get; i was snowboarding this weekend and didn’t want to waste any time talking with them. actually, i knew i’d be mostly listening; no body gets a word in edgewise with those two. then he said they’d pay me to spread their side of the story (i’m not even sure what story that is), but whatever. i can be bought. and i was. but only after the lifts closed.
DB: so, do i have both of you on the phone?
SP/HM: yeah (in unison)
DB: fantastic. so, why do you guys want to do this interview, again?
SP: it’s important that people know the real heidi. not just the crap that lauren spreads around.
HM: yeah, you know. all i really want to say about lauren is that i just pray for her and hope for the best for her.
DB: okay. well, what part of the real heidi are we not seeing? aren’t you on a reality tv show?
HM: yeah, but sometimes it’s not exactly portrayed in the most realistic way. i’m a very real person and that isn’t always obvious in the show. i have real feelings and i have a real life.
SP: heidi’s like the most real person i’ve ever met. she’s just trying to get her career going and life her life.
DB: okay, then since you guys are all about being real, what is it that you want to say to people to get that message across?
HM: that i’m a real person and i have real feelings. so what if people didn’t like my video for ‘higher’; i like it and i’m proud of it.
DB: i can see why. that video was hilarious. seriously, one of the best things i’ve seen in a while. i meant to thank you for that.
HM: oh yeah, sure. you’re welcome.
SP: heidi, it wasn’t supposed to be funny!
HM: spencer, it was light-hearted and fun, what? don’t be mad about it.
SP: heidi, she was making fun of it! stand up for your-
HM: spencer, no she wasn’t. why do you always have to make such a big deal out of everything?
SP: heidi! i can’t believe you can’t understand what she’s saying to you? god heidi, you’re so ignorant about this stuff sometimes. i ca-
HM: spencer! don’t call me ignorant! i’m not ignorant, i’m a real person, with feelings an-
(at this point, i get another call from a girlfriend from college. we talk for almost an hour; what did i care, i was already forwarded the money. i clicked back over 54 minutes later to this:)
SP: heidi, i’m sorry. i know. i overreacted. i just get so mad when lauren gets between us.
HM: i know. i’m sorry too. she’s so evil! it’s like she’s stalking us.
SP: i know, i think that she actually is. i’m gonna find out. but whatever, i love you.
HM: i love you too.
DB: good. okay, so next question. why did you let spencer shoot that video, anyway? i had no idea that you wanted to get into directing.
SP: it’s a hobby really. i just happen to be really good at it.
HM: yeah, spencer is really good at it. he’s really good at directing and telling me what to do and when to do it.
SP: it’s more like a passion, really.
HM: i wanted him to be the one behind the camera because he’s so real and i knew that would come through. that realness. i really wanted me as a real person to come through as real.
SP: the goal was to make it very real and i think it’s one of the most real music videos ever made.
DB: yeah, it definitely looks like it was shot by my dad on the tilt-a-whirl. doesn’t get more real than that.
SP: heidi! seriously-
DB: okay, let’s move on to something else. heidi, tell me about the song itself.
HM: well, it’s called ‘higher’ and it’s really about going higher and bringer your self to a higher place in your life.
DB: uh huh, and what does that mean exactly. a higher place? like breckenridge?
HM: no, i just mean, like a higher place, as a human being. like, taking your life to a higher level. and just, you know, going higher.
SP: it’s about being real and pushing yourself higher as a real person. as opposed to stooping lower and being fake like lauren. it’s about being above people like her.
HM: yeah, i just really pray for her and hope the best for her. the song really wasn’t written about her, but spencer is right, it is about being the higher person.
DB: you mean better person?
HM: well, the song’s called ‘higher’ so…
SP: higher is better.
DB: yeah. okay. so what’s next for you two? are you getting married now or not?
SP: we decided to wait because we’re so young right now. i know heidi is the one i want to be with for the rest of my life. so i’m not worried that we won’t be married sometime in the future.
HM: i’m just trying to get focused on my career as an artist and get my album off the ground.
SP: heidi needs to make a name for herself as an artist. and i’m here to support her in that. she’ll make a great pop star; she’s way hotter than britney.
SP: what? you are. especially with those new boobs.
DB: oh yeah, let’s talk about that.
SP: yeah! i love them. i totally supported her in that decision. and the nose. so much better.
HM: yeah, i agree. i just really am so much more comfortable in my own skin now. i just feel so much more real now.
DB: sure. yeah, i’ve heard that altering your natural appearance makes you feel…more real.
SP: or at least realer.
DB: i think you just made up a word.
HM: oh honey, put it on wikipedia!! that’s awesome. (to me) have you ever heard of wikipedia? it’s like a thesaurus on the internet!
SP: a dictionary.
HM: i mean a dictionary.
DB: yeah, i’ve heard of it.
HM: it’s so cool. you know, actually, it doesn’t get more real than that, you know? real, live people writing the definitions of real live words? so cool. i love that site.
DB: yeah. okay, well, that’s about all the time i’ve got for you guys. anything else you want to tell the world?
HM: yeah. i just want to say that i hope the best for lauren and i just pray for her. i don’t hate her, but we’re definitely not going to be BFF’s again anytime soon. and to watch for my video of ‘higher’ and know that it was done by two real people.
SP: yeah. the real heidi and spencer.
DB: sure. whatever that is. thanks for your time.
HM: thank you, thank you!!
SP: thanks, have a good ni-
click. i couldn’t take no more.
*this interview didn’t actually happen anywhere but the inside of my head.