this week seems to be the week that no one wants to talk. i couldn’t get paris; she blew me off, saying she was a movie star and had no time for the likes of me. i told her being in a porno without getting paid didn’t make her a movie star. it made her a dirty pirate whore. conversation over.
i actually landed an interview with gary coleman about his wedding, but it sucked more than a vacuum, so i canned it.
then i actually got a call from someone who wanted an interview. he’s a genuine durtbag and i knew it would be entertaining.
this week’s interviewee? steve-o.
DB: hi, steve-o. what made you want to be interviewed by durtbagz?
SO: johnny dared me to do an interview, while eating this chunky yogurt that we found in the trash, while tattooing my left nut with the planter’s peanut guy, while stapling the other one to a folding chair, while walking around the house, dragging the chair with me, while my dog sits on it and licks peanut butter off of his butt.
DB: (i have no idea what to say to this).
SO: (covering the phone and talking to someone there, ‘no, the left nut is the planter’s guy.)
DB: um. okay.
SO: hi, i’m steve-o and this is interview while eating this chunky yogurt that we found in the trash, while tattooing my left nut with the planter’s peanut guy, while stapling the other one to a folding chair, while walking around the house, dragging the chair with me, while my dog sits on it and licks peanut butter off of his butt.
DB: are you guys filming this?
DB: then how is johnny going to know you actually did all of these things?
SO: aren’t you recording the interview?
DB: yes. but not with a camera. we’re talking on the phone. i’m only recording your voice.
SO: oh. yeah, he’ll believe me.
DB: you think the voice recording will be enough proof for him?
SO: hopefully. either that or i’ll have to do it all over again.
DB: you should find a camera.
SO: nah, it’s cool. keep going.
DB: okay. steve-o, how did you get involved with johnny and all of the jackass stuff?
SO: i met johnny when i was a kid. he lived down the street and one afternoon after school, another kid dared me to eat cat poop he found in his sandbox in the backyard. so i did. johnny and i have been friends ever since.
SO: it actually tastes kind of sweet.
DB: i don’t want to know that. (i hear a loud noise in the background of the phone.) what was that?
SO: (taking deep breaths) the stapler. wow. wow.wowowowowowow.
DB: are you okay?
SO: yeah. it always stings at first.
DB: oh. so, what’s been your favorite prank or dare you’ve done so far?
SO: wow. huh. um…i think it’s a toss up between tieing bottle rockets to my nuts and snorting wasabi.
DB: oh, god. that wasabi skit almost made me puke. how badly did that burn?
SO: bad. but not as bad as when we did it with lighter fluid. i snorted lighter fluid and ate pop rocks to see if i could sneeze sparks.
SO: oh yeah.
DB: did it work?
SO: no. but it burned like crazy. it was hilarious. i actually can’t sneeze at all now. it burned off all of my sinus cavity.
SO: (talking to someone on his end of the phone, ‘god, that smells bad.’)
DB: what are you doing now?
SO: i’m getting ready to eat the yogurt.
DB: what flavor is it?
SO: i have no idea.
DB: what color is it?
SO: almost black with chunks of bright yellow in it.
DB: that just made me gag a little bit.
SO: yeah, it’s pretty rancid. i’m gonna take a bite.
DB: why are you doing this?
SO: johnny dared me to. dude, i think i’m going to have to chug the whole container at once. i can’t eat it a bite at a time, i’ll never keep it down.
DB: do you do everything johnny dares you to?
SO: pretty much. the only thing i ever said no to was when we wanted to put that toy car up someone’s butt.
DB: oh yeah, i remember that scene. that was ridiculous.
SO: my dad actually told me not to do that one.
DB: but he was okay with bottle rockets on your testicles?
SO: (giggling) yeah, totally.
DB: huh. how’s the yogurt?
SO: i haven’t tried it yet. i have to get the dog on the chair first and he won’t sit still.
DB: oh. why do you do this stuff, anyway?
SO: because it’s fun, dude.
DB: it’s fun to snort wasabi until you puke?
DB: i think we have different definitions of fun. why is that fun?
DB: why is snorting wasabi fun?
SO: because it’s really funny.
DB: yeah, but it’s kind of stupid.
SO: yeah. but it’s really funny.
DB: is that why all of you guys do this stuff?
SO: yeah. i mean, johnny wanted to have his own tv show and we weren’t sure what we were going to do. so we had to come up with an idea so we could get on tv.
DB: and that was it?
SO: well, at first we came up with a show about skateboarders gardening, but they didn’t like that.
DB: what did you grow in the garden?
SO: pot (laughing).
DB: of course.
SO: so then, we thought up another show where we went into old people’s homes, like those big groups homes?
DB: oh geez…
SO: yeah, and we acted like long-lost relatives of these old people and convinced them we were their long lost grandsons and daughters so we would get invited to dinner. we had a contest of how many free meals we could each get.
DB: that is horrible.
SO: yeah, it was hilarious, but they didn’t like that idea either.
DB: i can’t imagine.
SO: then, one day, we were skating and we started doing dumb stuff with our boards. like going off of high dives into pools filled with rotten water. and that’s when we got the idea.
DB: do you have a girlfriend?
SO: not right now.
DB: really. so what do you do when you’re not filming stuff like this?
SO: what do you mean?
DB: what else do you do?
SO: i do this, dude, and that’s it! that’s my life and it’s freaking awesome. 24-7 party!
DB: i believe that. so everything is going on right now?
SO: yeah. i hope this tat comes out sweet. i love that peanut guy; he’s awesome. oh, i can see his little cane!
DB: no one will get to see it.
SO: hell yeah, they will!
DB: oh right. of course we will. (at this point, i hear him start gagging on the yogurt)
SO: oh my god (saying it with it in his mouth). this shizz is so bad. oh god. there’s something crunchy in it.
DB: i think i’m going to puke.
SO: are you getting this? are you getting this? is it recording?
DB: yeah, and it sounds disgusting. seriously, i might have to hang up.
SO: no! you can’t! this is my proof to johnny! you can’t hang up!
DB: why is this so important? you aren’t even doing it for a movie.
SO: yeah, but the more we do this stuff in the off season, the more likely we get to do another movie.
DB: so? you’ve already made three movies and a bunch of TV shows and commercials. isn’t that gum deal getting you any cash?
SO: yeah, but…oh, man, i don’t know if i can keep this down…i need to do another movie.
SO: the chicks, man. i need more chicks.
DB: oh, right. this stuff will definitely help you with that. i see your point.
SO: i know. oh god, this stuff is gurgling.
DB: i think we’re done here.
SO: (covering up the phone and yelling, ‘petey, keep licking your butt!’)
DB: how is that guy giving you your tat in all of this?
SO: he’s on a dolly underneath me, while i walk around with the chair.
DB: this might be my new low. i think i’ve had all i can take.
SO: no! you have to help me prove to johnny that i did all of this stuff! don’t hang up!
DB: how is a voice recording going to prove you got a tat while doing all of this? how is it going to prove your dog was on the chair and you were actually hauling it around, while it was stapled to one of your boys? this is the dumbest thing i’ve ever agreed to do.
SO: wow. i think the dumbest thing i ever did was think that i could jump a dumpster on my moped with my helmet on backwards and my feet tied up in front of me, over the front wheel. oh, and i was peeing off of the moped, into a PBR can strapped to the handlebars.
DB: you have a helmet?
SO: man, that was hilarious! i forgot about that one.
DB: i bet. listen, i have to get a voluntary root canal so i’ve got to run.
SO: no! you ca-
DB: good luck with the tat. click.
i will never again interview someone from jackass. my apologies.
*even though this might seem like it’s real. it’s real fake. but i bet he is actually like this in real life. ladies, the line starts here.