i was a little worried about my interview this week. i had one set up with britney’s paparazzi boyfriend, Head-on, apply directly to the butt head, but he wasn’t allowed in my neighborhood. which is really weird because i don’t live in a gated community. my bet is that it was the skateboard bullies that kept him out. i should give them some new grip tape because they probably did me a favor.
i thought i was screwed, until i watched the news on wednesday and was given the beautiful story of “woman stuck on toilet for two years.” it’s like it was wrapped up in a little bow for me. i called the hospital in wichita and oddly enough, it was super easy to get her on the phone. i always thought of wichita as a high-action town, but maybe i’m wrong. regardless, here is my phone interview with…uh…toilet woman from kansas.
TWFK: oh…hello? (talking to someone else in the room, ‘it sounds like there is someone in there. is there someone in there?’ then a male voice says, ‘just talk into it.’) he…hello?
DB: yeah, this is erin with durtbagz? i’m calling to interview you?
TWFK: oh (again talking to someone in the room,’ there IS someone in there.’) hello, can you hear me?
DB: yep. can you hear me?
TWFK: oh yes! i can’t believe you can actually fit in there! you must be tiny, hahaha!
DB: um…sure. let’s talk about the day you went into the bathroom. did you plan on staying in there for a while?
TWFK: well, when i got in there, i just felt really comfortable. really relieved.
DB: yes, but you went to the bathroom. everyone feels better after but we don’t decide to live in there.
TWFK: well, i don’t know why not. it’s perfect in there, it’s like the perfect little space.
DB: how so?
TWFK: well, there’s a place to sit. a place to get clean, a place to drink. it’s warm. there was a window.
DB: doesn’t the rest of the house have those things as well?
TWFK: yes, but there were people out there, in the rest of the house.
DB: what kind of people?
TWFK: people that had two arms, two legs, a head, a mouth, two eyes, a tail, two feet. just normal people.
DB: these people had tails?
TWFK: sure. normal people, like i said. with tails and claws.
DB: did these people talk?
TWFK: sure. but i couldn’t understand them very well.
DB: why not?
TWFK: well, first off, they were so loud. always making loud noises. and i only speak american. i didn’t understand them.
DB: what were they speaking?
TWFK: i don’t know. i couldn’t understand them.
DB: i mean, what language were they speaking?
TWFK: oh. i think they called it ‘cyborg’.
DB: uh…cyborg? are you sure?
TWFK: yes, that’s right. cyborg. it was so weird. lots of really loud clicks too.
DB: how did you meet these people?
TWFK: they knocked on my door one afternoon. they said they wanted to talk to me about the book of morman. i don’t have that book, i only have one book and i know the name of it and it isn’t morman.
DB: what is it?
TWFK: it’s called ‘oh the places you’ll go’. it’s by a doctor.
DB: i’m familiar. go back to the mormans.
TWFK: the who?
DB: oh, the people who spoke cyborg, i mean.
TWFK: well, i thought it wouldn’t hurt to talk about another book, you know, to broaden my horizon. so, i invited them in to sit down.
DB: how many where there?
TWFK: 34 of them. it was just one family.
DB: okay. what happened then?
TWFK: well, they started chanting something and got in a big circle around me.
DB: could you understand what they were saying?
TWFK: no. they spoke regular american up to that point. then, they all started talking all weird and i couldn’t understand anything they were saying.
DB: and what happened then?
TWFK: then, the kids started hopping around me. they were holding on to each other’s tails and hopping around in a circle. and then it got real bright.
DB: what do you mean?
TWFK: it just got real bright in the room. i had to cover my eyes. and then it got silent.
DB: everyone stopped chanting?
TWFK: yes. and they were gone.
DB: where did they go?
TWFK: i don’t know, but there were all these pods in my living room.
TWFK: yes. like, big pods. and they were all wet. like they had been under water.
DB: then what happened?
TWFK: well, i wanted to know what was in the pods and so i got a saw and i cut one open. and this weird thing came out.
DB: like what?
TWFK: it was this super bright floating thing. with eyes.
DB: did it say anything?
TWFK: no. it just floated in the air and looked at me.
TWFK: yes, and i was scared. so, i went into the bathroom.
DB: wait a second. i thought you had a boyfriend there living with you.
TWFK: he was.
DB: where was he while all of this was going on?
TWFK: at work. he’s a hit man.
TWFK: yes, and he was in LA for work.
TWFK: uh huh. and he had to get five people and he needed help, so he hired a black cab driver to help him. he was very feisty.
DB: wait a second…
TWFK: and then (sounds like the phone is being taken out of her hands. there’s a lot of scuffling. then someone else gets on the phone.)
??: uh, hello? is someone on here?
DB: uh, yes ma’am. i was talking with…ah…the toilet woman?
??: she can’t be talking on the phone, this is the mental ward! we don’t allow patients to be on the phone. (yelling at someone in the room, ‘wally, did you put her on the phone? i told you the next time you do that, i’m taking the remote control away. now, give it to me.’) i’m sorry, i’m hanging up now. she cannot be on the phone.
DB: wait, just a second! did you say she’s watching tv?
DB: what is she watching?
??: well, they were watching lord of the rings, then some dr. seuss thing. then it went to sound of music. then they switched it to cocoon and now it’s on some movie with tom cruise and jaime foxx. i don’t know what the name of that one is.
??: i have to go now. wally is about to eat a fake fire log.
phone goes dead.
i got duped by the toilet woman from kansas. impressive.