This weekend, we went out in Scottsdale for dinner and drinks. Here is a timeline of events throughout the evening:
8:30p: arrive at “Geisha A-Go-Go”, aka worst restaurant in Scottsdale. We’re told they are running 15 minutes behind on reservations. We go to the bar to wait, and notice a minimum of four empty tables. However, number of cougars in the bar outnumbers empty tables, 2 to 1.
8:50p: We are sat at our tables. As we sit down, it looks like we are all sitting a tiny, kid’s table because our seats are a good two feet shorter than they should be.
9:15p: We order food.
9:16p: A DJ starts spinning. Conversation turns into a horrible game of “telephone” as we cannot hear a word after that.
9:20p: My friend makes the comment that the girls there don’t seem too stupid. I ask her to turn around and take a look at the cougar making out with someone at the bar. Said friend apologizes.
9:30p: They bring us rice and salads.
9:40p: They bring us more rice.
9:50p: ‘Nother round of rice.
10:00p: First round of food arrives: four tiny strips of ahi tuna that are so small a bulimic would eat them and not have to purge.
10:01p: First round of food is done.
10:30p: Walking out of bathroom, my friend makes the comment, “This is a place where if you stayed here long enough, you’d totally see a 40 year old woman puke.”
10:45p: Remaining food arrives; tiny bowls of noodles. It becomes obvious that the cooking staff is made up entirely of gnomes.
11:00p: We finally leave. Upon exiting the place, we see that a velvet rope has been placed outside, along with four complete douchebag doorman. There was NO ONE waiting or wanting to get in.
11:15p: We hit the Saddle Ranch Chop House across the street. Outside patio is Cougar Central; inside, there is a mechanical bull
11:30p: The husbands decide to ride the bull. Thankfully, not together.
11:45p: Woman with cowboy hat and tiny mini-skirt decides to ride bull. After covering my eyes after she got on, I only looked up once and got an eye-full of thong from the backside. Almost lost my tiny tuna. Took another glance to see that mini-skirt had become something more of a belt. Didn’t have to watch anymore as the crowds’ moans told me it was not getting any prettier.
12:00a: Head to Gilligan’s, down the street.
12:15a: Random dude decides to sit at our table. His girlfriend of 5 minutes decides to join him by sitting on his lap. Since they are only making out with each other, none of us gets a chance to ask them WTF they are doing at our table. Finally, the husband informs them that we have nachos on the way and they’ll need to move along. They barely look up and move to the next table.
12:30a: Friend sitting next to me, hits the top of my beer bottle to make it foam. I cover it with my thumb and aim it back at him. The beer is a little more powerful than I anticipated, and I miss him and hit a guy playing beer pong about 10 feet behind us. That guy is so hammered, he has no idea what’s happened until his buddy tells him. He looks at me and I admit I did it. He wobbles, looks around and goes back to beer pong. I’m pretty impressed with my distance.
12:40a: Friend returns to the table and pours water on his feet/flip-flops as a hammered dude in the bathroom peed on his feet. Didn’t bother him as much as it should have.
1:00a: We leave bar and walk a block past where the car is parked. The sober driver wasn’t paying attention to where they parked because she was not the driver there.
1:30a: We get home and hit the sack.
6:30a: I wake up, feeling like I just ate nachos.