star jones has filed for divorce from the gayest “heterosexual” man on the planet: mr. star jones.
this comes as a total shock to anyone who’s ever known this couple, heard of this couple, seen a photo of this couple or heard the name ‘big gay al’.
no one could have seen this coming; it seemed like the couple was a match made in heaven. like jack sprat and his fat wife, what’s her face.
being the publicity whore that star is, she agreed in a heartbeat to be interviewed. welcome to the best part of your day.
DB: star, i really want to thank you for taking the time to do this interview.
Star: sure! it’s important to me to get the truth out there. i know how things can get mixed up and rumors can get started.
DB: yeah, we certainly don’t want that. now, lets start at the beginning. tell us how you met big…al.
Star: well, we met through friends. my interior designer, peter, said, “star, ooooh girl, i have a friend that thinks you have the prettiest face on television! Mm-mm-mmm, he just giggles every time The View comes on.” so i said, who is it, and he said, “my roommate, al. you’d love him!” so, i told him to bring al over the next time he came by to drop of fabrics. so he did.
DB: did you think al was gay?
Star: what? no, why?
DB: because he lived with your interior designer, who sounds tremendously gay?
Star: no, no, no! just because peter was gay, didn’t mean his roommate was.
DB: right. so what did you think when you met him?
Star: i thought he was th- is that bacon? am i smelling bacon?
Star: i thought i smelled bacon.
DB: i wouldn’t know, we’re doing this over the phone.
Star: huh. i guess not. what was i saying?
DB: you were telling me what you thought of al when you first met him…
Star: oh right, i thought he was the best dressed guy i had ever seen. and the most primped guy ever. not a hair out of place. super smile and great taste in clothes.
DB: really. who made the first move?
Star: oh, i did, of course! when i see something i want, i g- is that steak? is someone grilling something?
DB: excuse me?
Star: it smells like something is grilling out here. like a t-bone, a baked potato, and vegetables.
DB: you can smell all of those things on a grill?
Star: oh sure. can’t you?
DB: um…no. i mean, i can smell steaks sometimes, but that’s about it.
Star: wow, that’s weird. what was i talking about?
DB: how you made the first move on al…
Star: right, right. so, as soon as they left my house, i texted peter and asked him for al’s number. i had to get a piece of that.
DB: so, where did you go for your first date?
Star: oooh, it was so romantic! first we went to see ‘brian boytano and friends on ice’, then we went dancing at a al’s favorite place, called ‘rainbow heaven’. he out-danced me all night! in fact, i had to sit out the last three hours because my feet hurt so bad.
DB: wow. sounds like a real hum-dinger.
Star: oh it was, i can’t rem-somebody’s got ‘In n Out’ up in here! okay, who has it? who’s got the ‘In n Out’ with grilled onions?
DB: yeah, that would be me.
Star: i knew it! i know my ‘In n Out’, girl.
DB: i’m sure you do. but, we’re not in the same room. we aren’t even in the same city; we’re doing this interview over the phone…
Star: yes…so, after dancing all night, i wanted al to stay over, but he wouldn’t. such a gentleman. so he took me to breakfast the next morning. my favorite: IHOP.
DB: when did you realize he was the one?
Star: immediately. i’d never met a man that knew how to act like a lady, like al did.
DB: you mean, treat you like a lady?
Star: that’s what i said
DB: so, then where’s the trouble in paradise?
Star: as the years went on, i was getting less an less of al’s attention. he started spending more and more time with peter. going on house calls and helping him with his interior design business.
DB: yeah, but you were working too?
Star: yes, that is true, i wa-now, who has got the nerve to bring pappa john’s up in here? i know i’m smellin’ a medium, 5 meat, double cheese, double crust super pie, and i know it! show your face, pie, show your face!
DB: maybe we should cut this short…
Star: No, no- i can handle it. i got tired of the late nights that interior design requires. finally, he ended up just moving in with peter and that’s when i said enough is enough.
DB: so, he is gay.
Star: oh, hell no. he’s a workaholic! moving in with his business partner was a sign that he was putting work before our marriage. and that was the last str-DUNKIN DONUTS! i know i smell two dozen donuts, 12 glazed, 6 chocolate, 4 sprinkles and 2 powder! show your face, donuts! i know you’re in here!
DB: well, that’s about all the time i’ve got. thanks for setting the story “straight”, star. i’m sorry things didn’t work out with al. no one could have seen this coming.
Star: (i can barely understand her; her mouth is full of something) thank you for the opportunity.
this sounds like a real interview. it’s not. but it sounds like it is.