it’s pretty easy. you just do this:
yeeeeee-ah. that’s right. you are looking at my work. well, i wasn’t alone, there were four other girls, all over the age of 25, that had a “role” in this. AH HAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHA.
see, i went to my home town for the first time in 7 years last weekend. yes, 7 years. you know “Sweet Home Alabama”? kinda like that, except i didn’t regain my accent and i’m still married to the husband i met in arizona. and i never saw a baby in a bar. HOWEVER, i never actually made it into a bar, so we can’t clear that from the boards yet.
i went back to be in a good friend’s wedding (yes, the bride was a part of this). and we were all at her parents’ house the thursday night before all of the festivities began. said parents also happen to live in the same house they did while we were growing up. which, also happens to be across the street from my old house. which happens to be next to the house above. if only we’d had durtbagz with us to hold all of the roles. my arms only held three, awkwardly.
now, you might be thinking that it is really not cool to do that to someone’s house, as an adult. and here is why you are so wrong.
1. these people are the WEIRDEST people on the planet. they make amy winehouse look like donna reed. the dad mowed their yard at night, in a suit and tie, in a pattern that resembles my living room carpet after i’ve vacuumed.
2. when i was a kid, they once watered my friends when we were playing in my front yard. yes, watered. took the hose they were already using to water something and sprayed my friends. these were not other kids spraying us, these were the adults doing this. and we were not in the middle of having a water fight.
3. they have a daughter who used to roam the neighborhood, get into random cars that were unlocked, and get naked. someone of you might think this is a good thing, but trust me you wouldn’t think that if you were then accused of fathering her fake baby. which also happened.
4. they used to get into fights with each other and yell loud enough for the entire street to hear. never mind, that’s not that weird.
5. they once drove their car into my friend’s parents’ yard, after leading police on a chase, after going the wrong way down a one-way street. when the cops followed her home, she took off into their driveway. after refusing to do anything, the police blocked her in and pointed their guns at her. she tore off through their yard, almost hitting their house and another cop and got away.
6. the father was a doctor that prescribed meth to truck drivers. dude, i’m not making this up.
7. they would throw rocks in our backyard, over our fence. after we had initially thrown them in their backyard. obviously, we didn’t want those rocks so it was pretty rude to throw them back.
8. one time, their mailbox came off the post and instead of getting a new mailbox, they used a big, white rope and duct tape to reattach it. actually, now that i think about that one, it’s not that weird, considering that we were all living in the ozarks. but we lived in the “nice” part.
9. they (the mother and daughter) used to follow my friend and her sister home from school on multiple times. this did not sit well with their parents, one of whom is seriously italian.
10. my dad hired a new office person at one point, at his company. she used to be a 911 operator before he hired her. one day, he was telling her a story about our neighbors and she stopped him and finished the story. then she rattled off their address. even the 911 operators know exactly who they are.
see? like we’d tee-pee nice people. well, not knowingly on a regular basis. and they did actually come out on their front porch and catch us. thankfully, we all remembered what “scatter!” meant and ran in all directions, having no where to hide, running back down the street, and into my friend’s garage. all 5 of us, in plain view for a good 5 minutes.
whatever. don’t act like you’d pass up the opportunity to do it.