if you decide to do your shopping in real life, and not online this holiday season, then you are taking a big risk. and you are not the smartest pencil in the box. wait…
as the head bag lady at durtbagz.com, of course i’m partial to online shopping. maybe it’s because shopping online is good for the environment because you aren’t driving all over the place, and it can be done in your jammies, and eliminates the shipping process from your end. or maybe it’s because it’s just awesome. it doesn’t matter, there are those of you that will hit the stores, in person, anyway. shame, shame. we know your name.
if you’re going to do it anyway, i thought i might as well help you protect yourself.
(quick note: no, this is not in any way to make light of the fact that a person that got killed and others were hurt this past weekend, due to SHOPPING. when things like that happen, it makes me wonder why mccain/palin didn’t win.)
these are just items that i think you should carry with you, in your eco friendly shopping bag that you should be carrying, in order to protect yourself from idiots who put christmas shopping above things like human life.
1. lacrosse helmet. smaller than a football helmet, and more stylish. this will protect your head from getting whacked by people carrying around their buys over the heads of others. have you ever been drilled in the back of the head with a box fan? me neither, but i bet it sucks.
2. shin guards. if people will walk on top of you to enter a store, they certainly will kick you in the shins. why not wear something that will kick back?
3. mouth guard. this one might not be so obvious. and it’s maybe not that necessary. it really boils down to how important keeping your front teeth are to you. probably a more popular choice in northern states.
4. star wars light saber toy. why? if you saw an adult, walking towards you, carrying one of these with a serious look on their face, would you avoid them? boo yeah.
5. bull horn. this isn’t exactly a defensive tool. it’s actually more aggressive. you’re probably thinking you use it to yell out those people being jerk shoppers. no. you use this to call your purchase before you actually get your hands on it, so others don’t get them all before you get there. for example, if you saw a bedazzler that your mother in law had been dying for, you say “bedazzler! bedazzler! bedazzler! bedaz-” while you’re walking towards the bedazzler. it wouldn’t hurt if you pointed at it, as well, just to be crystal clear. that way, everyone knows that it’s been ‘called for’ and to keep their hands off. plus, it makes you look like a total psycho, and that should clear a path.
any durtbagz out there have any other items they can suggest for safe, defensive shopping?