in case you were wondering, yes, valentine’s is fake. also it’s the worst holiday ever fakely invented.
i feel like i’m a pretty good gift giver and i sell lots of durtbagz gear to people giving it to others as unusual gifts. which pretty much makes me the expert on funny gift ideas, no matter the occasion. fake holidays are no exception.
as an expert, it is my duty to give you the list of appropriate valentine’s day gifts worth giving.
first up: ELECTRONIC YODELING PICKLE
what’s not to like about this? nothing. i also think it would make a great 4th of july gift.
next: BACON BANDAGES
as the advertisement says, “why purchase a pathetic Band-Aid or paltry Curad, when you can put some pork on your punctured pinky?” i can’t answer that.
third: RACING GRANNIES
if you’ve got time to waste, and obviously you do if you’re reading this, why not waste it watching these to grannies go at it? ill…let’s rephrase that. why not watch these two grannies get it on? belch…let’s try one more. why not watch these grannies race their walkers for no reason at all?
fourth: NEW DURTBAGZ ZOMBIES SHIRT
yes, nothing says fake love like a zombie crossing t-shirt from durtbagz. zombies, like durtbagz, are everywhere and it’s time we respected that. by wearing a super comfy t-shirt with this ridiculous sign on it. end of plug.
lastly: HOBO BEANS
wow, if you really want to get somebody good, i mean really trick someone with the ultimate prank, give ’em these. they’ll think they’re eating little, hard-covered beans, one-by-one, straight out of the can, like you typically eat a can of beans. but no! they’re not beans, they’re candy!!! unless they’re the next einstein, they’ll never see this one coming and you’ll be crowned the next ultimate prankster. watch out ashton, we’ve got bean candy!
what’s the best valentine’s day gift you’ve ever received? and by best, i mean lamest. spill it.