So, we’ve been out of town the last two weekends. Both places were full of exceptional people watching. Since I was saturated for two consecutive trips, I have a few tips to keep you looking Durtbagz-ish and not stupid-ish.
1. Men need sleeves. There’s just no way around it. Keep your sleeves, guys. Because without them, your pits are just crevasses of flab and hair.
2. Keds. Really? Keds? Here’s a rule of thumb: skinny shoes accentuate the cankles.
3. There’s only one thing worse than a perm and that’s a half grown-out perm.
4. Tucking your t-shirt into your jeans does not make it a dress shirt. There’s still no collar and I doubt number 8 (Old Dale) would have wanted his number that tight against your Bud belly, anyhow.
5. I can’t even believe we still have to cover this one: fanny packs. You people are got dam killing me with this. First off, if I told you I had a craptastic fashion accessory that was a) ugly, b) inefficient, and c) added weight to your belly, (since none of you actually wear fanny packs on your fanny), you’d never buy it. Yet, you did. Millions of you did.
Since that’s not really advice, it’s just me being snarky about people looking stupid, here’s some real advice.
Know someone who uses a belly-fanny pack? Buy them their very own Durtbag!!! They are proven to shave 9″ off of you waste and can carry 47 times the amount of a fanny pack.
Or, what about your neighbor who has managed to go sleeveless for the entire winter? Send him a subliminal message and put a Durtbagz t-shirt in his mailbox. Hairy, flabby pits GONE. Just like that.
The Keds I can do nothing about.