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Posts Tagged ‘funny gift ideas’

So, we’ve been out of town the last two weekends. Both places were full of exceptional people watching. Since I was saturated for two consecutive trips, I have a few tips to keep you looking Durtbagz-ish and not stupid-ish.

1. Men need sleeves. There’s just no way around it. Keep your sleeves, guys. Because without them, your pits are just crevasses of flab and hair.

2. Keds. Really? Keds? Here’s a rule of thumb: skinny shoes accentuate the cankles.

3. There’s only one thing worse than a perm and that’s a half grown-out perm.

4. Tucking your t-shirt into your jeans does not make it a dress shirt. There’s still no collar and I doubt number 8 (Old Dale) would have wanted his number that tight against your Bud belly, anyhow.

5. I can’t even believe we still have to cover this one: fanny packs. You people are got dam killing me with this. First off, if I told you I had a craptastic fashion accessory that was a) ugly, b) inefficient, and c) added weight to your belly, (since none of you actually wear fanny packs on your fanny), you’d never buy it. Yet, you did. Millions of you did.

Since that’s not really advice, it’s just me being snarky about people looking stupid, here’s some real advice.

Know someone who uses a belly-fanny pack? Buy them their very own Durtbag!!! They are proven to shave 9″ off of you waste and can carry 47 times the amount of a fanny pack.

Or, what about your neighbor who has managed to go sleeveless for the entire winter? Send him a subliminal message and put a Durtbagz t-shirt in his mailbox. Hairy, flabby pits GONE. Just like that.

The Keds I can do nothing about.

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Don’t make yourself look stupid by giving a bad gift.

The worst gift i ever received was a “Wish Pearl“. It is this horribly cheesy “oyster”, complete with seawater container. You crack open it, and voila! Your very own wish pearl, with multiple uber tacky ways to wear it around your neck. It sounds like a gift that most kids would like to get, and maybe I was just being ungrateful. However…

I was given this for Christmas last year when I was 30.

There are just a few, very simple questions you have to ask yourself, when searching for the right gift for someone in order to avoid looking stupid by giving them something completely inappropriate as a “Wish Pearl”.

1. How old is this person?

2. Does this person have Erasure on heavy rotation in their car?

3. Will he/she think that a farting stuffed bunny is funny or embarrassing?

4. Does this person enjoy knitting?

And lastly, 5. Does this person get four servings of dairy a day?

Knowing a few little things can help make a clear path for you to find them a gift that doesn’t suck. Here’s how:

1. The age of a person determines which novelty gag gifts are appropriate. A few tips: ages 0-5 don’t get them anything, it’s a waste of money. They barely remember they know you and you rarely get a thank you note. Age 70+: anything with the words “Old Fart” on it.

2. Erasure: this can tell you a lot about a person. People who like the 80’s are fans of funny birthday gifts that involved “CHOOSE LIFE” shirts, candy necklaces, mullet wigs, and jelly shoes.

3. This one is HUGE. I don’t actually know where to get a farting stuffed bunny, but that isn’t the point. The point is, do they think farting is funny, no matter the circumstances, even when something as sweet as a little stuffed bunny does it? If so, then sky’s the limit for novelty gag gift options. If not, they have Starbucks gift card written all over them.

4. People who like knitting are the easiest people to get gifts for: Yarn. The end.

5. Dairy servings. This is important for one reason: ice cream cake. If you never see a dairy product in sight when they are around, chances are good you’re going to have to go with yellow cake without sour cream frosting. Try to avoid being friends with these people. Everyone knows ice cream cakes kick ass.

Remembering these five questions when gift giving will keep you out of the “bad gift givers club”. What’s the worst gift you’ve ever received?

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This is going to end badly.

The is not the direction I started...

things are off-track, here.

you know how when you come up with something big, there’s always a theme? and it bleeds over into every aspect of whatever that big thing is. like, say there is a high school dance, and the theme is “footloose”. in this case, kenny loggins would be played all night, there would be chicken contests on tractors outside, ruffly blue and pale yellow tux’s, big hair and sleeves, and non-stop super bad, white people clap-dancing all night. because this is a theme; it encompasses everything.

somewhere along the road of durtbagz, the theme has become fuzzy.

durtbagz are goofy, silly, weird, abnormal, creative, geeky, products. yet, somewhere along the way, the theme gets lost.

take my photos of the bags, for example.

Is this a goofy/weird/creative shot? I think not.

this shot is anti-weird.

wow, that is one weird/crazy/abnormal way to show a bag! man, keep me away from your cocaine, i’m nuts and i’ll eat it all. you do eat it, right?

seriously. why did i do this? i’m not freaking l.l. bean. i’m durtbagz. what’s durty about this shot? not a dayum thing.

let’s take a gander at a shirt shot, shall we?

What's zany? Thumbs up, that's what!

What's zany? Thumbs up, that's what!

really? thumbs up is the best i could do? thumbs-the-hell-up?!?!? who am i even giving it to?

see what i mean? things are off track. the way durtbagz are is different than how they are portrayed. is that proper english? sometimes the southwest missouri comes back to haunt me.

how can products that are anything but normal and usual be displayed that way? sub question: why are they?

the bags need to be shot in weird ways, carrying abnormal things, at unusual places. like have one on a bench, with half a large pizza coming out of it, and folded over the top, but not so much that you can’t see the sign. that fits the theme.

i think i’m going to put our faces in the next set of shirt shots. partially because i think that facial expressions are hilarious and mostly because i love to look at mine.

it's the soldier on my shoulder that's creating a fuss.

it's the soldier on my shoulder that's creating a fuss.

and my friends.

actually, katie's face always looks like this.

actually, katie's face always looks like this.

and my husband.

something was stinky. a bunch of boys at 10k feet. stinky isn't accurate.

something was stinky. a bunch of boys at 10k feet. stinky isn't accurate.

even the videos are what i would call usual. if i really wanted this episode of “what’s in my durtbag?” to be different, i would have taken a swig of beer and then thrown it in the fireplace like they did with their drinks in old movies. it would have helped if we’d had any beer left, but that’s beside the point. me talking about beer isn’t unusual. i should have chugged it or taken a swig without using my hands or something. that would have been different than everyone else out there.

anyway, i want you to know that i’m aware of the disconntect and i’m working to fix it to keep durtbagz weird. weirder than austin, even. we’re reshooting the shots for the site on saturday. and i’m working on the next video where things will be a little more unexpected.

have a funy idea for the shot of a certain bag or shirt? TELL ME, i’m all ears!! if i use it, i’ll send you a shirt. boo yeah.

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in case you were wondering, yes, valentine’s is fake. also it’s the worst holiday ever fakely invented.

i feel like i’m a pretty good gift giver and i sell lots of durtbagz gear to people giving it to others as unusual gifts. which pretty much makes me the expert on funny gift ideas, no matter the occasion. fake holidays are no exception.

as an expert, it is my duty to give you the list of appropriate valentine’s day gifts worth giving.

first up: ELECTRONIC YODELING PICKLE

what’s not to like about this? nothing. i also think it would make a great 4th of july gift.

next: BACON BANDAGES

Don't eat it, there's a scab under there.

Don’t eat it, there’s a scab under there.

as the advertisement says, “why purchase a pathetic Band-Aid or paltry Curad, when you can put some pork on your punctured pinky?” i can’t answer that.

third: RACING GRANNIES

Where are the tennis balls?

Where are the tennis balls?

if you’ve got time to waste, and obviously you do if you’re reading this, why not waste it watching these to grannies go at it? ill…let’s rephrase that. why not watch these two grannies get it on? belch…let’s try one more. why not watch these grannies race their walkers for no reason at all?

fourth: NEW DURTBAGZ ZOMBIES SHIRT

I see dead people. Available soon on Durtbagz.com. t-shirt only.

I see dead people. Available soon on Durtbagz.com. t-shirt only.

yes, nothing says fake love like a zombie crossing t-shirt from durtbagz. zombies, like durtbagz, are everywhere and it’s time we respected that. by wearing a super comfy t-shirt with this ridiculous sign on it. end of plug.

lastly: HOBO BEANS

Wait a second...these aren't beans!?!?

Wait a second...these aren't beans!?!?

wow, if you really want to get somebody good, i mean really trick someone with the ultimate prank, give ’em these. they’ll think they’re eating little, hard-covered beans, one-by-one, straight out of the can, like you typically eat a can of beans. but no! they’re not beans, they’re candy!!! unless they’re the next einstein, they’ll never see this one coming and you’ll be crowned the next ultimate prankster. watch out ashton, we’ve got bean candy!

what’s the best valentine’s day gift you’ve ever received? and by best, i mean lamest. spill it.

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