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Posts Tagged ‘funny gifts’

May the party on the back be eternal.

May the party in the back be eternal.

Yep. It’s true. I’m “retiring” the Mullet Durtbagz. She’s had a great run (yes, she). An incredible run, actually, as she’s one of the few that’s been around from the beginning and re-printed. and re-printed. And the time has come to make room for new Durtbagz.

She’s not gone yet. there are two left of her. Yes, two. So if you want this little piece of history for your friend who is obsessed with mullets, you better act fast, because she’s not long for this world.

In honor of mullet durtbagz, I thought we’d take a walk down memory lane with her and see how’s she managed so long over the…year.

Here she is in her original sign.

Mullets: Hip to be Square

Mullets: Hip to be Square

Then, she morphed into this.

Nice moo-lay

Nice moo-lay

Now, she’s here, in her boring “old” formal pic.

Mullets: They're Just Like Us

Mullets: They're Just Like Us

Oh, this is a good one. Here she is, having a great time with some other Durtbagz at Tempe Music Fest in 2008.

That guy wishes he had enough hair for a mullet.

That guy wishes he had enough hair for a mullet.

And, lastly here she is, with her favorite thing in the world: clamato.

Mullets and Clamato. Like Guns and Ammo.

Click here to buy this bag. If either are left. Slacker.

And just for funsies, here are a few mullets of blogs past.

Who could forget Earl?

Who could forget Earl?

Earl would never have let me live this down if he was left out of the Mullet Durtbagz retirement party.

Say hello to Stevie.

Say hello to Stevie.

I heard about it, BIG TIME, from Stevie, after leaving him out of the other mullet post. His hair gets real fuzzy in the back, when he’s mad and he enjoys sleeping in his glasses and reading the latest “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books.

Pubes. It's what's for dinner.

Pubes. It's what's for dinner.

That guy never gets old.

Okay folks, say your goodbye’s because she’s all but gone. Leave your goodbye’s for her here.

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today, i felt like talking about mullets, or moo-leys, if you will.

being originally from southwest missouri, i know a thing or ten about mullets. for example, mullet fact #421: people who have a mullet don’t know they have one, yet everyone around them does.

Mullet Durtbag

Mullet Durtbag

Mullets cross the street, too.

Mullets cross the street, too.

since i felt the mullet bag could use some lovin’, i decided to make this top 10 list of people who have earned the right to carry this sacred durtbag. feel free to give the mullet bag to one of the following people on their next anniversary of being out of the clink.

Minimullet

Minimullet

10. this here’s randy. he’s had a mullet since he got hair. he likes to keep the top close and recently added the lines on each side after his neighbor friend, darla, told him she thought they were rad.

Topheavymullet

Topheavymullet

9. meet lionel. he likes a little more business and likes it uneven on top to give him the “used” look. lionel likes flipping through the latest taxidermy collectors mag and listening to other peoples’ conversations.

Permullet

Permullet

8. say hello to earl. he likes fast cars and looking like a loose woman. if you think his head looks like a mountain of pubs, that’s no mistake.  yes, the curtains match the drapes.

Colonelmullet

Colonelmullet

7. you’re looking at bud. bud drives a camero with t-tops to let the party flow. bud has one rule: never leave home without the fanny pack. because where would you be without a pager, a comb, and a quick splash of aqua velva?

femmullet

femhawkmullet

6. darlene wears her mullet like her clothes: sparse in all the right places. she likes arm wrestling for women and a clean, close shave.

mulletlip

mulletlip

5. in case you can’t tell, gene is a man’s man. and to prove it, he cut a chunk of his mullet and put it on his lip. if you gave gene the mullet durtbag, he’d carry his ‘stache comb in it.

kinkmullet

kinkmullet

4. trina has a unique mullet, i like to call “dead animal”. what you have here is your basic squirrell-fried-on-a-high-wire-landed-on-your-head-look, which is popular among her fellow truck drivers.

cameroheadmullet

cameroheadmullet

4. that’s jerry. wanting to just try out the mullet, he vowed not to cut his mullet until the cheifs have a winning season. his commitment to the chiefs is as obvious as the state he’s from (definitely the missouri side). in his durtbag, you’ll find a big foam finger, body paint, and a beer bong.

fatmullet

fatmullet

3. don’t let the bike fool you, petey is a huge son-of-a-gun. he calls it his magic bike because he claims it “shrinks” every time he gest on it. petey runs the drive-thru at that mickey d’s and dates kimmy, the “fry girl”. his durtbag contains hundreds of little ketchup packages.

nothingsaysiloveyoulikeamullet

nothingsaysiloveyoulikeamullet

2. this special mullet is aptly titled “mulletrimony”. (i wish i came up with that). dean promised to take as good of care of shauna as he does his mullet. which means she will eventually be dry and two different colors.

and the best person(s) to carry the durtbagz mullet bag…

i'm not exactly sure what this is.

i'm not exactly sure what this is.

1. give pat and chris a wave. this is kind of a “find 5 things wrong with this picture” type of deal. is it me, or is the red shirt dude wearing an engagement ring? subquestion: is it a dude?  it’s rare when the mullet is the least weird thing in the photo. it’s anybody’s guess as to what in the hell they would put in their durtbagz. in fact, let’s not go there.

there you have it. these people have earned a durtbagz mullet bag. and then some.

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Don’t make yourself look stupid by giving a bad gift.

The worst gift i ever received was a “Wish Pearl“. It is this horribly cheesy “oyster”, complete with seawater container. You crack open it, and voila! Your very own wish pearl, with multiple uber tacky ways to wear it around your neck. It sounds like a gift that most kids would like to get, and maybe I was just being ungrateful. However…

I was given this for Christmas last year when I was 30.

There are just a few, very simple questions you have to ask yourself, when searching for the right gift for someone in order to avoid looking stupid by giving them something completely inappropriate as a “Wish Pearl”.

1. How old is this person?

2. Does this person have Erasure on heavy rotation in their car?

3. Will he/she think that a farting stuffed bunny is funny or embarrassing?

4. Does this person enjoy knitting?

And lastly, 5. Does this person get four servings of dairy a day?

Knowing a few little things can help make a clear path for you to find them a gift that doesn’t suck. Here’s how:

1. The age of a person determines which novelty gag gifts are appropriate. A few tips: ages 0-5 don’t get them anything, it’s a waste of money. They barely remember they know you and you rarely get a thank you note. Age 70+: anything with the words “Old Fart” on it.

2. Erasure: this can tell you a lot about a person. People who like the 80’s are fans of funny birthday gifts that involved “CHOOSE LIFE” shirts, candy necklaces, mullet wigs, and jelly shoes.

3. This one is HUGE. I don’t actually know where to get a farting stuffed bunny, but that isn’t the point. The point is, do they think farting is funny, no matter the circumstances, even when something as sweet as a little stuffed bunny does it? If so, then sky’s the limit for novelty gag gift options. If not, they have Starbucks gift card written all over them.

4. People who like knitting are the easiest people to get gifts for: Yarn. The end.

5. Dairy servings. This is important for one reason: ice cream cake. If you never see a dairy product in sight when they are around, chances are good you’re going to have to go with yellow cake without sour cream frosting. Try to avoid being friends with these people. Everyone knows ice cream cakes kick ass.

Remembering these five questions when gift giving will keep you out of the “bad gift givers club”. What’s the worst gift you’ve ever received?

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for those of you not in the know, “weird durt for the day” is a once-a-week email that i send out to those that have signed up for it on durtbagz.com and to Durtbagz Facebook Group members.

it’s strictly nonsense. it’s something on the web that i’ve found to be entertaining/weird/random and i send it out, along with any durtbagz news, to folks who take themselves about as seriously as i do. and here is an example of how serious i take myself.

i'm on the far right, next to punky brewster and billy idol.

i'm on the far right, next to punky brewster and billy idol.

anyway, last week, i sent out this fantastic waste-of-time website. the week before was a flight of the concords video. the week before that was a map of springfield, according to the simpson’s.

so far, since i’ve started weird durt, the list has grown to more than 200 peeps.  i’ve also had four people unsubscribe. when they do, they get an email that says “You are no longer subscribed to Weird Durt. You are no longer a Durtbag. Sad day for you.”

i like weird durt because it keeps durtbagz in front of the people that actually want it. i also usually get some kind of response or feedback from a few peeps each week. which is nice.

if you want to get on the list and get a free, worthless, time-wasting email every week, get on durtbagz.com or join our facebook group and do it. you’re not alone.

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something you might not have guessed is that i really don’t enjoy being online most of the day. i have to, because, um i have an online business. but it certainly isn’t why i started an website; it just comes with the territory.

i have to use things like this blog, twitter, and facebook to talk about durtbagz.com, and it’s opened up this whole world of etiquette concerning online “friends”. apparently there are rules, and i’m just not that into following them.

it’s a weird thing because i’m all about being a “see-through” company, but online “friends” are an whole other animal. why should you chose your online friends any differently than your real life friends?

the thing is, people that want to be my online “friend” are not always people that i would want to be friends with in real life. i’m talking about the douchebags that want to connect with you, just to up their number of friends or to be able to say they’re friends with you, or because they saw you one time at a high school party 14 years ago. twitter and facebook are the two social networking sites that really stand out as being inundated with these people.

to be honest, i can’t stand twitter, but i’m on it (@durtbagz) because i generate a decent amount of traffic to durtbagz. twitter could be cool, but instead, it’s like high school for tech geeks. there is a “popular crowd” and a “rule” that you should follow the people that follow you. who made this rule?

i use twitter to provide the funny. i talk about durtbagz, but mostly i share links to random hilarious websites, give good weird gift ideas (usually involving bacon), funny videos (you can’t go wrong with flight of the concords).

or sometimes i’ll just share a word i think is funny: SHUTTLECOCK.  if someone writes to me, i’ll answer them. and i only do this a couple of times a day, max.

why would i want to follow a DUI lawyer? or the douche who is on there ALL DAY LONG that thinks it’s fun to tell others what they can and can’t tweet? or the ones that announce that they are up to 200 followers on twitter (and OMG, do you announce that when you meet your 200th friend in real life? like, seriously, you’re sooooooooooo popular!!).

twitter gets annoying because it’s more people wasting time than giving beneficial info/entertainment. (one local exception is @CENPHOTV, weekly TV show giving news/upcoming events–awesome for phoencians).

facebook is different because i have a durtbagz group and a personal page on there. i try to keep my “friends” to real life friends and those i’d like to be friends with in real life.

question: if we went to high school together, but weren’t really that good of friends then, and haven’t talked to each other since, and then you find me on facebook and “friend” me, and we STILL don’t talk…WTF IS THE POINT?

facebook is like a live high school yearbook for 30-somethings.

i don’t understand why i get friend requests from half the people i do. some are people that i don’t know, have never met, maybe met years ago and don’t remember. others friend me because we have one friend in common that i really don’t know super well and for some reason that makes you think you should be friends with all of their friends and…i don’t friend any of these people because…we aren’t friends.

what are your thoughts on the online “friend” situation? are you for friending every single person you ever met or actually those you want to communicate/catch up with? do you turn down friend requests or drop the ones you don’t talk to?

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one quick bit of business to get out of the way: Emily won the t-shirt for suggesting blogs of moms. and yes, it helped that the author also pushed for her. what? this isn’t a democracy, it’s a cheerocracy.

We want your brain. Also, we aren't real.

We want your brain. Also, we aren't real.

okay, as you can tell from the title, the zombie crossing shirts are for sale. they are being printed this week and are on sale for $16.99. ordering it early will save you $3 for the next day or so. hurry up.

WTF IS THE DEAL WITH ZOMBIES?

zombies are dead people that want to eat the brains of people that are alive or infect them to become zombies. so why are people obsessed with that? i can understand other groups of characters that people love because they are real:

pirates? real.

ninjas? real.

jayhawks? real.

but zombies are not real. they are fake. i’d argue that they might be the most talked about, fake things on the planet.

apparently there are different kinds of zombies. take these gay zombies, for example.

there is also a HUGE site, called, “zombie survival and defense“. i lost count of all the discussions concerning a plan for the zombie apocalypse. also, at the bottom is an add for the new 90210. huh. weird crowd.

there was even a zombie press conference. i agree, they should be eating US beef.

i mean, look at this lady. she’s a mother, yet she is constantly thinking/worrying/obsessing about zombies. i’d like to rename her blog, the un-dead mom.

here is why i’m so confused that zombies are a threat:

1. have you ever seen a zombie run? i haven’t. they typically just schlep along, dragging a leg, stumbling over curbs and logs, not running. this alone makes the survival rate of a zombie attack fairly high. point: humans.

My stomach is still living.

My stomach is still living.

2. it seems that the point of most zombies is to infect others. they can’t infect you if they can’t catch you. right?

3. the way to finish a zombie, is to drill it in the head. by my calculations, if a zombie is approaching your front door, you should have time to dry your hair, get dressed, drive to ace hardware, buy a new shovel, also look at the random assortment of keys you can have made, stop by the ATM, come home, realize you already have a shovel, go back to ace, return the shovel, and get a new house key made with a number 8 on it to remember “dale”, drive back home, try the key, it works, put it in that small pocket in your purse, get the original shovel, go out on the front porch, realize your flowers are a bit dry, get the hose, water the plants, re-pot the daffodils because they are getting too big, get the shovel, give it a few practice swings, realize the handle is too slick, get some grip tape from your tennis bag, put it on the handle, remember you have some neon pink grip tape and decide you want that instead because you’re in that kind of mood, put the pink tape on, stand on the porch like you’re in a batter’s box and wait until it’s head is in your swing radius. then swing.

Those two have eaten more than brains.

Those two have eaten more than brains.

am i missing something? do zombies have guns? do they shoot web that snags people? can they stop time and go around, tagging people?

to answer this, i found an article called “5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen“. one of the five involves humans getting mad cow disease. why do the words “mad cow” make me laugh?

there’s on in wired that describes how to survive a zombie apocalypse. step one: know your zombies.

i need help. why do people like zombies? why are they planning for a zombie apocalypse? why do they move so slow?

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in case you were wondering, yes, valentine’s is fake. also it’s the worst holiday ever fakely invented.

i feel like i’m a pretty good gift giver and i sell lots of durtbagz gear to people giving it to others as unusual gifts. which pretty much makes me the expert on funny gift ideas, no matter the occasion. fake holidays are no exception.

as an expert, it is my duty to give you the list of appropriate valentine’s day gifts worth giving.

first up: ELECTRONIC YODELING PICKLE

what’s not to like about this? nothing. i also think it would make a great 4th of july gift.

next: BACON BANDAGES

Don't eat it, there's a scab under there.

Don’t eat it, there’s a scab under there.

as the advertisement says, “why purchase a pathetic Band-Aid or paltry Curad, when you can put some pork on your punctured pinky?” i can’t answer that.

third: RACING GRANNIES

Where are the tennis balls?

Where are the tennis balls?

if you’ve got time to waste, and obviously you do if you’re reading this, why not waste it watching these to grannies go at it? ill…let’s rephrase that. why not watch these two grannies get it on? belch…let’s try one more. why not watch these grannies race their walkers for no reason at all?

fourth: NEW DURTBAGZ ZOMBIES SHIRT

I see dead people. Available soon on Durtbagz.com. t-shirt only.

I see dead people. Available soon on Durtbagz.com. t-shirt only.

yes, nothing says fake love like a zombie crossing t-shirt from durtbagz. zombies, like durtbagz, are everywhere and it’s time we respected that. by wearing a super comfy t-shirt with this ridiculous sign on it. end of plug.

lastly: HOBO BEANS

Wait a second...these aren't beans!?!?

Wait a second...these aren't beans!?!?

wow, if you really want to get somebody good, i mean really trick someone with the ultimate prank, give ’em these. they’ll think they’re eating little, hard-covered beans, one-by-one, straight out of the can, like you typically eat a can of beans. but no! they’re not beans, they’re candy!!! unless they’re the next einstein, they’ll never see this one coming and you’ll be crowned the next ultimate prankster. watch out ashton, we’ve got bean candy!

what’s the best valentine’s day gift you’ve ever received? and by best, i mean lamest. spill it.

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