Posts Tagged ‘funny shirts’

have a slow child, as in speed, not brain? geez, what do you think that means? www.durtbagz.com

have a slow child, as in speed, not brain? geez, what do you think that means? http://www.durtbagz.com


being the head bag lady at durtbagz.com, i deal with potential customers daily. i have a lot of experience talking with the general public and fielding random questions about my gear. since i am such an expert on this, i thought i would give other business owners out there a few tips on what not to say to someone, if you’d like them to buy something from you.

tip #5. don’t say: “no, we don’t carry that size. in fact, i don’t even think the manufacturer makes them that big.”

if you are not talking to someone in person, you still need to be aware of the situation on the other end of the phone or laptop. if people ask you for bigger sizes, it’s probably not because their “friend” is that size.

tip #4, do not say: “yeah, i have actually thought about making those. but then i realized how stupid they are.”

if people are suggesting things for you to make, it’s a compliment. it means they have been thinking about your business, even when you’re not in front of them.  if you think it’s not the best idear in the world, thank them for caring enough to suggest it to you.

tip #3, don’t say: “you want a sign that says what? yeah, that’s not funny at all. i don’t even know what that means.”

if someone gives you a suggestion for a part of your business that you actually have invited people to comment on, you do not get to chastise them for it. even if it’s not a superb suggestion, it’s not okay to shoot it down like that. let the customer know you’ll consider it. that’s enough to satisfy them.

tip #2, do not say: “if you want t-shirts in that color, then i have an idea. why don’t you start your own business, and make t-shirts in whatever color you want.”

if people don’t buy something because they don’t like the color it comes in, chances are, they weren’t really going to buy it anyway. however, when they leave, you want them to feel guilty for not buying something, not glad that they didn’t.

tip #1, don’t say: “okay, small balls. thanks for your time. i’ll talk to you later.”

this last one is a true story that happened just recently to a durtbag. company A called this durtbag and tried, repeatedly, to sell him office supplies. after nicely declining, over and over, company A rep finally said this statement to our fellow durtbag. i guess he’s never heard of caller ID.

people, unless you’d like to be known as the “michael scott” of your industry, i suggest you avoid these types of answers. don’t be a michael. be a creed.

ever been insulted by someone trying to tell you something?


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is your baby bored? www.durtbagz.com can help.

is your baby bored? http://www.durtbagz.com can help.

contrary to popular belief, durtbagz can read. i’ve read entire books, in my lifetime.

anyway, because of my love for reading and durtbagz, i’m starting a new video book review, cleverly called “books in my durtbagz”.

once a week, i’ll shoot a video, where i’ll talk about a book that’s in my durtbag, and that i’ve actually read and whether or not i think you should read it. i’m going to post it on another blog, called…yeah, you guessed it.

i’ve got a few books lined up to review, but i’ll need more. so i need suggestions from you on what to read and review. note: i don’t like long, boring books so don’t suggest those. and by long, i mean books more than 300 pages. i have to do one a week, people, i have other things to do besides read. like watch my dvd collection of scrubs.

so, there’s the deal. “books in my durtbagz” will premier later this week. get ready. you might actually learn something. but don’t spread that around…i have a reputation to uphold.

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last week, i managed to wash a remote control and cook some popcorn on the potato setting, forever making our micro smell like burning. to sum up: i was on fire.

because of my embarrassing behavior, i’m featuring just one of my embarrassing Durtbagz. the pedestrian tripping funny street sign Durtbag, to be specific.



and in honor of this embarrassing bag, i’ve found nine people that have earned this Durtbag. nine people that have fallen in situations that are less than subtle. falling is funny. believe that.

9. i’ve seen this before, and the second fall never gets old. by the way, the cigarettes called, they want their laugh back.

8. news people, were you aware that your co-worker was actually a hound dog, disguised as a human, disguised as a news reporter? i think i caught a honk in there, too. great commentary at the end, “i think she’s actually hurt,” “yes, i think she is.” brilliant.

7. i don’t watch this show, but i think i speak for all of us when i say that this is an extremely serious situation. if you can’t handle these shoes, how in the world are you supposed to model? and if you don’t model, people will die.

6. that’ll teach you to wave your arms like you just don’t care.

5. oh right. like you couldn’t have seen this one coming a mile away. brilliant idea having a moving sidewalk on your stage. i would have thought someone from the block would have known better. watch it a couple of times, it gets funnier.

4. this is what you call karma for wearing ridonkulous shorts like that when you are 50 years old.  your music stopped being good 15 years ago. which is why you had to move to london, where they apprecite trash pop and gapped teeth.

3. “I fell over like a twat” is the best recovery i’ve ever seen. also, jigs will get you.

2. if you find yourself going from “holy nose dive!” one second to “whoa, look at all that hair” the next… you’re not alone. note to self: the best way to make people forget you just ate it, is to wave your mane around like your life depends on it.

1. i always knew michelle was the whore of the group. and based on their reactions, looks like i was right. michelle, you are the clumsiest durtbag!

have you ever bit it at an unopportune moment and lived to tell the tale? share it! okay, i’ll go first.

three weeks ago, i was in vegas. i was playing pai gow at the mirage and after 2 or 10 drinks, i had to use the bathroom. i got up, walked to the end of our aisle of tables, and started walking across the main thorofare to get over to the restrooms. just as i round the corner, and hit the crowd, the front part of my flip-flop catches, and folds under the rest of my foot, as i step on it…causing me to launch myself a good two feet. and in front of about 50 other people. thankfully, i caught myself by waving my arms around a bunch. it was awsome. a couple of people clapped, and i waved at them. good times.

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Don’t make yourself look stupid by giving a bad gift.

The worst gift i ever received was a “Wish Pearl“. It is this horribly cheesy “oyster”, complete with seawater container. You crack open it, and voila! Your very own wish pearl, with multiple uber tacky ways to wear it around your neck. It sounds like a gift that most kids would like to get, and maybe I was just being ungrateful. However…

I was given this for Christmas last year when I was 30.

There are just a few, very simple questions you have to ask yourself, when searching for the right gift for someone in order to avoid looking stupid by giving them something completely inappropriate as a “Wish Pearl”.

1. How old is this person?

2. Does this person have Erasure on heavy rotation in their car?

3. Will he/she think that a farting stuffed bunny is funny or embarrassing?

4. Does this person enjoy knitting?

And lastly, 5. Does this person get four servings of dairy a day?

Knowing a few little things can help make a clear path for you to find them a gift that doesn’t suck. Here’s how:

1. The age of a person determines which novelty gag gifts are appropriate. A few tips: ages 0-5 don’t get them anything, it’s a waste of money. They barely remember they know you and you rarely get a thank you note. Age 70+: anything with the words “Old Fart” on it.

2. Erasure: this can tell you a lot about a person. People who like the 80’s are fans of funny birthday gifts that involved “CHOOSE LIFE” shirts, candy necklaces, mullet wigs, and jelly shoes.

3. This one is HUGE. I don’t actually know where to get a farting stuffed bunny, but that isn’t the point. The point is, do they think farting is funny, no matter the circumstances, even when something as sweet as a little stuffed bunny does it? If so, then sky’s the limit for novelty gag gift options. If not, they have Starbucks gift card written all over them.

4. People who like knitting are the easiest people to get gifts for: Yarn. The end.

5. Dairy servings. This is important for one reason: ice cream cake. If you never see a dairy product in sight when they are around, chances are good you’re going to have to go with yellow cake without sour cream frosting. Try to avoid being friends with these people. Everyone knows ice cream cakes kick ass.

Remembering these five questions when gift giving will keep you out of the “bad gift givers club”. What’s the worst gift you’ve ever received?

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for those of you not in the know, “weird durt for the day” is a once-a-week email that i send out to those that have signed up for it on durtbagz.com and to Durtbagz Facebook Group members.

it’s strictly nonsense. it’s something on the web that i’ve found to be entertaining/weird/random and i send it out, along with any durtbagz news, to folks who take themselves about as seriously as i do. and here is an example of how serious i take myself.

i'm on the far right, next to punky brewster and billy idol.

i'm on the far right, next to punky brewster and billy idol.

anyway, last week, i sent out this fantastic waste-of-time website. the week before was a flight of the concords video. the week before that was a map of springfield, according to the simpson’s.

so far, since i’ve started weird durt, the list has grown to more than 200 peeps.  i’ve also had four people unsubscribe. when they do, they get an email that says “You are no longer subscribed to Weird Durt. You are no longer a Durtbag. Sad day for you.”

i like weird durt because it keeps durtbagz in front of the people that actually want it. i also usually get some kind of response or feedback from a few peeps each week. which is nice.

if you want to get on the list and get a free, worthless, time-wasting email every week, get on durtbagz.com or join our facebook group and do it. you’re not alone.

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something you might not have guessed is that i really don’t enjoy being online most of the day. i have to, because, um i have an online business. but it certainly isn’t why i started an website; it just comes with the territory.

i have to use things like this blog, twitter, and facebook to talk about durtbagz.com, and it’s opened up this whole world of etiquette concerning online “friends”. apparently there are rules, and i’m just not that into following them.

it’s a weird thing because i’m all about being a “see-through” company, but online “friends” are an whole other animal. why should you chose your online friends any differently than your real life friends?

the thing is, people that want to be my online “friend” are not always people that i would want to be friends with in real life. i’m talking about the douchebags that want to connect with you, just to up their number of friends or to be able to say they’re friends with you, or because they saw you one time at a high school party 14 years ago. twitter and facebook are the two social networking sites that really stand out as being inundated with these people.

to be honest, i can’t stand twitter, but i’m on it (@durtbagz) because i generate a decent amount of traffic to durtbagz. twitter could be cool, but instead, it’s like high school for tech geeks. there is a “popular crowd” and a “rule” that you should follow the people that follow you. who made this rule?

i use twitter to provide the funny. i talk about durtbagz, but mostly i share links to random hilarious websites, give good weird gift ideas (usually involving bacon), funny videos (you can’t go wrong with flight of the concords).

or sometimes i’ll just share a word i think is funny: SHUTTLECOCK.  if someone writes to me, i’ll answer them. and i only do this a couple of times a day, max.

why would i want to follow a DUI lawyer? or the douche who is on there ALL DAY LONG that thinks it’s fun to tell others what they can and can’t tweet? or the ones that announce that they are up to 200 followers on twitter (and OMG, do you announce that when you meet your 200th friend in real life? like, seriously, you’re sooooooooooo popular!!).

twitter gets annoying because it’s more people wasting time than giving beneficial info/entertainment. (one local exception is @CENPHOTV, weekly TV show giving news/upcoming events–awesome for phoencians).

facebook is different because i have a durtbagz group and a personal page on there. i try to keep my “friends” to real life friends and those i’d like to be friends with in real life.

question: if we went to high school together, but weren’t really that good of friends then, and haven’t talked to each other since, and then you find me on facebook and “friend” me, and we STILL don’t talk…WTF IS THE POINT?

facebook is like a live high school yearbook for 30-somethings.

i don’t understand why i get friend requests from half the people i do. some are people that i don’t know, have never met, maybe met years ago and don’t remember. others friend me because we have one friend in common that i really don’t know super well and for some reason that makes you think you should be friends with all of their friends and…i don’t friend any of these people because…we aren’t friends.

what are your thoughts on the online “friend” situation? are you for friending every single person you ever met or actually those you want to communicate/catch up with? do you turn down friend requests or drop the ones you don’t talk to?

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This is going to end badly.

The is not the direction I started...

things are off-track, here.

you know how when you come up with something big, there’s always a theme? and it bleeds over into every aspect of whatever that big thing is. like, say there is a high school dance, and the theme is “footloose”. in this case, kenny loggins would be played all night, there would be chicken contests on tractors outside, ruffly blue and pale yellow tux’s, big hair and sleeves, and non-stop super bad, white people clap-dancing all night. because this is a theme; it encompasses everything.

somewhere along the road of durtbagz, the theme has become fuzzy.

durtbagz are goofy, silly, weird, abnormal, creative, geeky, products. yet, somewhere along the way, the theme gets lost.

take my photos of the bags, for example.

Is this a goofy/weird/creative shot? I think not.

this shot is anti-weird.

wow, that is one weird/crazy/abnormal way to show a bag! man, keep me away from your cocaine, i’m nuts and i’ll eat it all. you do eat it, right?

seriously. why did i do this? i’m not freaking l.l. bean. i’m durtbagz. what’s durty about this shot? not a dayum thing.

let’s take a gander at a shirt shot, shall we?

What's zany? Thumbs up, that's what!

What's zany? Thumbs up, that's what!

really? thumbs up is the best i could do? thumbs-the-hell-up?!?!? who am i even giving it to?

see what i mean? things are off track. the way durtbagz are is different than how they are portrayed. is that proper english? sometimes the southwest missouri comes back to haunt me.

how can products that are anything but normal and usual be displayed that way? sub question: why are they?

the bags need to be shot in weird ways, carrying abnormal things, at unusual places. like have one on a bench, with half a large pizza coming out of it, and folded over the top, but not so much that you can’t see the sign. that fits the theme.

i think i’m going to put our faces in the next set of shirt shots. partially because i think that facial expressions are hilarious and mostly because i love to look at mine.

it's the soldier on my shoulder that's creating a fuss.

it's the soldier on my shoulder that's creating a fuss.

and my friends.

actually, katie's face always looks like this.

actually, katie's face always looks like this.

and my husband.

something was stinky. a bunch of boys at 10k feet. stinky isn't accurate.

something was stinky. a bunch of boys at 10k feet. stinky isn't accurate.

even the videos are what i would call usual. if i really wanted this episode of “what’s in my durtbag?” to be different, i would have taken a swig of beer and then thrown it in the fireplace like they did with their drinks in old movies. it would have helped if we’d had any beer left, but that’s beside the point. me talking about beer isn’t unusual. i should have chugged it or taken a swig without using my hands or something. that would have been different than everyone else out there.

anyway, i want you to know that i’m aware of the disconntect and i’m working to fix it to keep durtbagz weird. weirder than austin, even. we’re reshooting the shots for the site on saturday. and i’m working on the next video where things will be a little more unexpected.

have a funy idea for the shot of a certain bag or shirt? TELL ME, i’m all ears!! if i use it, i’ll send you a shirt. boo yeah.

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