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Posts Tagged ‘funny street signs’

May the party on the back be eternal.

May the party in the back be eternal.

Yep. It’s true. I’m “retiring” the Mullet Durtbagz. She’s had a great run (yes, she). An incredible run, actually, as she’s one of the few that’s been around from the beginning and re-printed. and re-printed. And the time has come to make room for new Durtbagz.

She’s not gone yet. there are two left of her. Yes, two. So if you want this little piece of history for your friend who is obsessed with mullets, you better act fast, because she’s not long for this world.

In honor of mullet durtbagz, I thought we’d take a walk down memory lane with her and see how’s she managed so long over the…year.

Here she is in her original sign.

Mullets: Hip to be Square

Mullets: Hip to be Square

Then, she morphed into this.

Nice moo-lay

Nice moo-lay

Now, she’s here, in her boring “old” formal pic.

Mullets: They're Just Like Us

Mullets: They're Just Like Us

Oh, this is a good one. Here she is, having a great time with some other Durtbagz at Tempe Music Fest in 2008.

That guy wishes he had enough hair for a mullet.

That guy wishes he had enough hair for a mullet.

And, lastly here she is, with her favorite thing in the world: clamato.

Mullets and Clamato. Like Guns and Ammo.

Click here to buy this bag. If either are left. Slacker.

And just for funsies, here are a few mullets of blogs past.

Who could forget Earl?

Who could forget Earl?

Earl would never have let me live this down if he was left out of the Mullet Durtbagz retirement party.

Say hello to Stevie.

Say hello to Stevie.

I heard about it, BIG TIME, from Stevie, after leaving him out of the other mullet post. His hair gets real fuzzy in the back, when he’s mad and he enjoys sleeping in his glasses and reading the latest “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books.

Pubes. It's what's for dinner.

Pubes. It's what's for dinner.

That guy never gets old.

Okay folks, say your goodbye’s because she’s all but gone. Leave your goodbye’s for her here.

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Hi Durtbagz!

I’ve just recorded a video on why plastic bags are the worst thing to ever be created. It will make you laugh, it will make you cry, but most importantly, it will make you feel guilty.

Buy a friend a reusable shopping bag today and stop hating the planet. Don’t want a Durtbag? Cool. Just stop killing the Earth.

How are you killing the planet and what can you do to stop it?

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have a slow child, as in speed, not brain? geez, what do you think that means? www.durtbagz.com

have a slow child, as in speed, not brain? geez, what do you think that means? http://www.durtbagz.com

5 THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT SAY TO A POTENTIAL CUSTOMER

being the head bag lady at durtbagz.com, i deal with potential customers daily. i have a lot of experience talking with the general public and fielding random questions about my gear. since i am such an expert on this, i thought i would give other business owners out there a few tips on what not to say to someone, if you’d like them to buy something from you.

tip #5. don’t say: “no, we don’t carry that size. in fact, i don’t even think the manufacturer makes them that big.”

if you are not talking to someone in person, you still need to be aware of the situation on the other end of the phone or laptop. if people ask you for bigger sizes, it’s probably not because their “friend” is that size.

tip #4, do not say: “yeah, i have actually thought about making those. but then i realized how stupid they are.”

if people are suggesting things for you to make, it’s a compliment. it means they have been thinking about your business, even when you’re not in front of them.  if you think it’s not the best idear in the world, thank them for caring enough to suggest it to you.

tip #3, don’t say: “you want a sign that says what? yeah, that’s not funny at all. i don’t even know what that means.”

if someone gives you a suggestion for a part of your business that you actually have invited people to comment on, you do not get to chastise them for it. even if it’s not a superb suggestion, it’s not okay to shoot it down like that. let the customer know you’ll consider it. that’s enough to satisfy them.

tip #2, do not say: “if you want t-shirts in that color, then i have an idea. why don’t you start your own business, and make t-shirts in whatever color you want.”

if people don’t buy something because they don’t like the color it comes in, chances are, they weren’t really going to buy it anyway. however, when they leave, you want them to feel guilty for not buying something, not glad that they didn’t.

tip #1, don’t say: “okay, small balls. thanks for your time. i’ll talk to you later.”

this last one is a true story that happened just recently to a durtbag. company A called this durtbag and tried, repeatedly, to sell him office supplies. after nicely declining, over and over, company A rep finally said this statement to our fellow durtbag. i guess he’s never heard of caller ID.

people, unless you’d like to be known as the “michael scott” of your industry, i suggest you avoid these types of answers. don’t be a michael. be a creed.

ever been insulted by someone trying to tell you something?

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is your baby bored? www.durtbagz.com can help.

is your baby bored? http://www.durtbagz.com can help.

contrary to popular belief, durtbagz can read. i’ve read entire books, in my lifetime.

anyway, because of my love for reading and durtbagz, i’m starting a new video book review, cleverly called “books in my durtbagz”.

once a week, i’ll shoot a video, where i’ll talk about a book that’s in my durtbag, and that i’ve actually read and whether or not i think you should read it. i’m going to post it on another blog, called…yeah, you guessed it.

i’ve got a few books lined up to review, but i’ll need more. so i need suggestions from you on what to read and review. note: i don’t like long, boring books so don’t suggest those. and by long, i mean books more than 300 pages. i have to do one a week, people, i have other things to do besides read. like watch my dvd collection of scrubs.

so, there’s the deal. “books in my durtbagz” will premier later this week. get ready. you might actually learn something. but don’t spread that around…i have a reputation to uphold.

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there’s been talk of an afternoon of bowling among my friends, which always requires me to do the weird thing that is carrying a pair of socks in my purse. which is always super fun when we’re done playing. because of this, i’d like to thank you, mr. bowling-shoe-giver-out-er…

this, of course, has me thinking about the durtbagz bowling bag. which, in case you’re wondering, can easily hold your balls and shoe. ball and shoes. what?

want your own? click here for durtbagz.com

want your own? click here for durtbagz.com

be a bowling durtbag, at durtbagz.com

be a bowling durtbag, at durtbagz.com

so, all this bowling talk and shoe-giving-out-ing got me thinking about bowling movies. there are two that if you haven’t seen, you haven’t lived.

saying “kingpin” is weird doesn’t even scratch the surface. this isn’t the best part of the movie, although bill muray’s hair makes me laugh harder than anything else in that scene. the best part happens during the first five minutes of the movie, when the little boy jumps over the fence, and takes a nose-dive because he doesn’t quite clear it. watch it over and over, it gets better every time.

a few bits of trivia about this movie:

the person shouting “Ernie, you ‘da man!” at the final showdown, is Will Ferrell. hasn’t he done that in 12 other movies?

jim carey was the first choice of the farrelly brothers to play ernie (bill muray’s character). i think it’s safe to say this movie would have crapped the bed with jim carey in it. he could have never come up with that hair.

chris farley was slated to play ishmael (randy quaid’s role) but his commitment to “black sheep” kept him out of it. whoops-a-daisy.

on to one of the best movies ever made, let alone a great bowling movie.

seeing jeff bridges dance is worth the price of netflix, alone. this is the best bowling movie, of all eight, ever made. if you’re not familiar with the dude, walter, and donnie, i don’t think we can be friends. i mean, hello, it’s a cohen brothers film, which doesn’t mean much for “burn after reading”, but means a ton with this flick. if you haven’t seen it, these little morsels should sway you.

the Jellies sandals that Jeff Bridges wears in the movie were his own. you had me at jellies.

the reason Steve Buscemi‘s character, Donny, is constantly being told to “Shut the f— up!” by Walter (John Goodman), is because Buscemi’s character in Fargo (1996) would not shut up. until he ended up in the wood-chipper.

the word “dude” is used around 161 times in the movie. 160 spoken and once in text in the credits for “Gutterballs” the second dream sequence. the Dude says “man” 147 times in the movie, nearly 1.5 times a minute.

you know, if i were clever, i would have shot the bowling durtbag with a coffee tin full of ashes, a pair of jellies, and white russian mix. but i’m not, so you have to settle for beer and koozies.

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last week, i managed to wash a remote control and cook some popcorn on the potato setting, forever making our micro smell like burning. to sum up: i was on fire.

because of my embarrassing behavior, i’m featuring just one of my embarrassing Durtbagz. the pedestrian tripping funny street sign Durtbag, to be specific.

trippingfunnybag

trippingfunnybagdurtbagz

and in honor of this embarrassing bag, i’ve found nine people that have earned this Durtbag. nine people that have fallen in situations that are less than subtle. falling is funny. believe that.

9. i’ve seen this before, and the second fall never gets old. by the way, the cigarettes called, they want their laugh back.

8. news people, were you aware that your co-worker was actually a hound dog, disguised as a human, disguised as a news reporter? i think i caught a honk in there, too. great commentary at the end, “i think she’s actually hurt,” “yes, i think she is.” brilliant.

7. i don’t watch this show, but i think i speak for all of us when i say that this is an extremely serious situation. if you can’t handle these shoes, how in the world are you supposed to model? and if you don’t model, people will die.

6. that’ll teach you to wave your arms like you just don’t care.

5. oh right. like you couldn’t have seen this one coming a mile away. brilliant idea having a moving sidewalk on your stage. i would have thought someone from the block would have known better. watch it a couple of times, it gets funnier.

4. this is what you call karma for wearing ridonkulous shorts like that when you are 50 years old.  your music stopped being good 15 years ago. which is why you had to move to london, where they apprecite trash pop and gapped teeth.

3. “I fell over like a twat” is the best recovery i’ve ever seen. also, jigs will get you.

2. if you find yourself going from “holy nose dive!” one second to “whoa, look at all that hair” the next… you’re not alone. note to self: the best way to make people forget you just ate it, is to wave your mane around like your life depends on it.

1. i always knew michelle was the whore of the group. and based on their reactions, looks like i was right. michelle, you are the clumsiest durtbag!

have you ever bit it at an unopportune moment and lived to tell the tale? share it! okay, i’ll go first.

three weeks ago, i was in vegas. i was playing pai gow at the mirage and after 2 or 10 drinks, i had to use the bathroom. i got up, walked to the end of our aisle of tables, and started walking across the main thorofare to get over to the restrooms. just as i round the corner, and hit the crowd, the front part of my flip-flop catches, and folds under the rest of my foot, as i step on it…causing me to launch myself a good two feet. and in front of about 50 other people. thankfully, i caught myself by waving my arms around a bunch. it was awsome. a couple of people clapped, and i waved at them. good times.

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today, i felt like talking about mullets, or moo-leys, if you will.

being originally from southwest missouri, i know a thing or ten about mullets. for example, mullet fact #421: people who have a mullet don’t know they have one, yet everyone around them does.

Mullet Durtbag

Mullet Durtbag

Mullets cross the street, too.

Mullets cross the street, too.

since i felt the mullet bag could use some lovin’, i decided to make this top 10 list of people who have earned the right to carry this sacred durtbag. feel free to give the mullet bag to one of the following people on their next anniversary of being out of the clink.

Minimullet

Minimullet

10. this here’s randy. he’s had a mullet since he got hair. he likes to keep the top close and recently added the lines on each side after his neighbor friend, darla, told him she thought they were rad.

Topheavymullet

Topheavymullet

9. meet lionel. he likes a little more business and likes it uneven on top to give him the “used” look. lionel likes flipping through the latest taxidermy collectors mag and listening to other peoples’ conversations.

Permullet

Permullet

8. say hello to earl. he likes fast cars and looking like a loose woman. if you think his head looks like a mountain of pubs, that’s no mistake.  yes, the curtains match the drapes.

Colonelmullet

Colonelmullet

7. you’re looking at bud. bud drives a camero with t-tops to let the party flow. bud has one rule: never leave home without the fanny pack. because where would you be without a pager, a comb, and a quick splash of aqua velva?

femmullet

femhawkmullet

6. darlene wears her mullet like her clothes: sparse in all the right places. she likes arm wrestling for women and a clean, close shave.

mulletlip

mulletlip

5. in case you can’t tell, gene is a man’s man. and to prove it, he cut a chunk of his mullet and put it on his lip. if you gave gene the mullet durtbag, he’d carry his ‘stache comb in it.

kinkmullet

kinkmullet

4. trina has a unique mullet, i like to call “dead animal”. what you have here is your basic squirrell-fried-on-a-high-wire-landed-on-your-head-look, which is popular among her fellow truck drivers.

cameroheadmullet

cameroheadmullet

4. that’s jerry. wanting to just try out the mullet, he vowed not to cut his mullet until the cheifs have a winning season. his commitment to the chiefs is as obvious as the state he’s from (definitely the missouri side). in his durtbag, you’ll find a big foam finger, body paint, and a beer bong.

fatmullet

fatmullet

3. don’t let the bike fool you, petey is a huge son-of-a-gun. he calls it his magic bike because he claims it “shrinks” every time he gest on it. petey runs the drive-thru at that mickey d’s and dates kimmy, the “fry girl”. his durtbag contains hundreds of little ketchup packages.

nothingsaysiloveyoulikeamullet

nothingsaysiloveyoulikeamullet

2. this special mullet is aptly titled “mulletrimony”. (i wish i came up with that). dean promised to take as good of care of shauna as he does his mullet. which means she will eventually be dry and two different colors.

and the best person(s) to carry the durtbagz mullet bag…

i'm not exactly sure what this is.

i'm not exactly sure what this is.

1. give pat and chris a wave. this is kind of a “find 5 things wrong with this picture” type of deal. is it me, or is the red shirt dude wearing an engagement ring? subquestion: is it a dude?  it’s rare when the mullet is the least weird thing in the photo. it’s anybody’s guess as to what in the hell they would put in their durtbagz. in fact, let’s not go there.

there you have it. these people have earned a durtbagz mullet bag. and then some.

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